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Thursday, April 18, 2013

Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a
'Breathalyzer'? " asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years! "

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Friday, April 12, 2013

The last day working

"You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When.. "You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this? ", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn ". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick " day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday? ". You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party."

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Thursday, March 28, 2013

Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a
'Breathalyzer'? " asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years! "

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Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Need fishing licenses

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden!!Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden. After about a half mile the fell a stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Lets see your fishing license, Boy!! " the Warden gasped. With that, the fell a pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. i3galr3pr0ducton0fa! h!a! j0k3s "Well, son ", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks!! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license! "
"Yes Sir ", replied the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one "..."

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Monday, February 25, 2013

Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank y

"Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you. "THIS MEANS:
1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.
2. He is not in complete control of his hands.
3. His emotions are shattered.
4. His skin is numb.
5. He has transformed into an alter-ego (i. e. professional wrestler)
6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.
7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.
8. He is in an isolation tank.
9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness to fake.
10. He is feeling others.:)"

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Friday, February 22, 2013

Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy. " 8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt. recreational. catnip. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna. 5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about their release of "Cyber Dog. " 4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3. You keep finding new software around your house like Catin Tax and War Cat II. 2. On IRC you're known as the Iron Mouser. and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password... 1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post."

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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

"Did ya hear the news? " asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him! "
"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!! "

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Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Christmas jokes

'Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can't tell me why he does that!''Oh, yes I can.' the elf said.'Because tow 'Eds are better than one, of course!'

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Christmas jokes

"Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie? " "He said it was too tight. "

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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Have a life after death

"Do you believe in life after death? " the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir. " the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you"

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Saturday, January 12, 2013

Top 15 Household Pet Dishes

15. Angelfish Cake14. Hamster and Cheese on Rye13. Chow Chow Mein12. Bran Muffy11. Eggs Benji Dict10. Yorkieshire pudding 9. Shih-Tzu Kabobs 8. Potbelly Pig in a Blanket 7. Shrimp Cockatiel 6. Fettucine Al Fido 5. Chicken Poodle Soup 4. Turtlellini 3. Lhasa Thermidor 2. Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas 1. I'll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes

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Almost no difference

"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper. "The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick. "This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer *quill*. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size. "

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Thursday, November 8, 2012

You can't bring that dog in this bar

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here! " The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog. " "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me. " The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog. " The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here! "The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog. " The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs. " The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!? "

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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I think Rover is getting a bit old...

"I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf. ""Bullshit, watch this... Rover sit! Oh dear, you're right, I'll get the shovel and clean it up! "

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Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Sick Blonde...

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right? "
"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train. "
"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while? "
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there. "

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