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Saturday, December 31, 2011

A lusty camel

A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that. He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days. On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, And again. Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says "For Christ's sake, what do you want now? " The camel puckers up and makes little sucking noises."

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Various animal jokes

A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in? " the man shouted "NO why don't you all understand I want to be alone! " and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for? "

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A man in a state of excessive inebriation...

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bulls eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bulls eyes and was given another turtle. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bulls eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic ", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls? "The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir! ", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware! "
"I don't want any bloody glasses ", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies! "

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A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus...

A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes over and says 'What are you waitin' for? Hurry up and play that damn thing! The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!"

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There are no dogs allowed here

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here! " The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog. " "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me. " The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog. " The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here! "The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog. " The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs. " The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!? "

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An amazing talking dog

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk. "Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead. "Man: "What covers a house? "Dog: "Roof! "Man: "How does sandpaper feel? "Dog: "Rough! "Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time? "Dog: "Ruth! "Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk. "The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle? "

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A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel...

A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground. "That's strange," said the fox. "Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree. " "Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in love? "

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A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly...

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted. "

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Various animal jokes

A lion was getting rather old and slow and having difficulty catching its prey. It decided it needed a disguise so that other animals did not know it was a lion and would not run away. So it goes into a fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla suit. It then heads for a watering hole to see if it can catch something with its new disguise. On the way it comes across two eagles sitting on a rock. One eagle says to it "Hi
Mr. Lion! " The other said, "Where did you get the gorilla suit? " The lion, rather frustrated, asks, "How did you know I was a lion? " The eagles then started to sing, "You can't hide your lion eyes "."

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Various animal jokes

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly. " Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly. "
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly. "
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied,
"That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady. "
She paused and said, "Yes? "
The bird said, "You know. "

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The plumber has arrived

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber. She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it? "He replied, "It's the plumber. "He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it? " and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it? "He said, "It's the plumber! "He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it? "He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!! "Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it? "; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!! " he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway. The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body! " she exclaimed, "Who is it?! "The parrot said, "It's the plumber. "

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Pray hard

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only knowhow to say one thing. " "What do they say? " the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? " "That's obscene! " the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed. " He thought a minute and then said, "You know,I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time. " "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution. " The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? "There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,Francis, our prayers have been answered! "

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Various animal jokes

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

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A horse walks into a bar...

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says: "So, why the long face? "

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow...

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole! " So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up. " And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks."

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A gruesome murder

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker brain the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter? "A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why? "
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,"I believe my dog just killed it, sir. "
"What? " roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have? "
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy. "
"Bull! " roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman? "
"It appears that he choked on it, sir. "

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A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot...

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is$10,000. " the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do? " "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote. " "And the other? " said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000. " "Holy moly! What does that one do? " "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'. "

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house? " "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but i'll need to see more. " "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River. " A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "That's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog. " "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune. " "Not really," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist. "

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Persistency Act

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all about? "

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Various animal jokes

A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks,
"What would you like? " the fish says holding his neck,
"Water "."

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Excerpts from the rural life

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire. " The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me! " The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike. " The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon, just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you. " The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over! " So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. " The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start. " They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go! " and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week! "

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A farmer comes home with a lively young bull...

A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bulls have fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for old times' sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture,he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one of the old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks,"Why are you doing that? "The old bull answers, "I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows! "

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Various animal jokes

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when
Father Tortoise said, "I think it's going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella? "
So off went junior for
Father's umbrella, but three days later he still hadn't returned.
"I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts. "
And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go. "

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Got Any Grapes?

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes? " The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes? " Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!'' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says no. ''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''"

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A duck walks into a general store...

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got any fresh fruit? "
"No. "
"Got any fresh vegetables? "
"No. We have only canned and dry goods. "The next day, the duck returns. "Got any fresh fruit? "
"No. "
"Got any fresh vegetables? "
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor. "On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails? "
"No. "
"Got any fresh fruit? "

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Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

A double whammy:Why do elephants paint their testicles red? So they can hide in cherry trees. What's the loudest noise in the jungle? A Monkey eating cherries.

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A dog walks into a butcher shop...

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,and the butcher said, "How many pounds? " The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,"Anything else? " The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many? " The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's are ally smart dog you have there. "
"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied. "This is the second time this week he forgot his key. "

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Difference between a cat and a dog...

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

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Horses at the Race

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.'' The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?'' The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

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Installing a Carpet

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

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This is one smart dog

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then? " he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog. " As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know? "Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket. The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog. "Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher. "He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key."

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A burglar is in big trouble

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus! "Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business. "I can see you, and so can Jesus! "The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus! "
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot! "To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler! "

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Various animal jokes

A boy at a cinema notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him "Are you a bear? "
"Yes "
"What are you doing at the movies? "
"Well, I liked the book! "

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A boy and girl octopus out on a date...

A boy and girl octopus out on a date walked down the street arm in arm in arm in arm...

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I'll use my seeing eye dog

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something. "The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around. "

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Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man was out walking with his seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head. Having watched what happened, a passerby said, "Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg! "
"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt. "

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A blind man walks into a drug store with his seeing eye dog.

A blind man walks into a drug store with his seeing eye dog. He takes the dogs leash & starts swinging it around & around his head. The druggist says "May I help you? " The blind man replies "No thank you, I'm just looking around. "

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How to use the microwave oven... on a cruise ship

While on a luxury cruise, the receptionist received a call from a distressed passenger. "I wish to inform you that there is a faulty electrical appliance in my suite. Could you please send someone over to have it repaired immediately?? asked a lady passenger, clearly upset.

"Certainly, I shall arrange for someone to look into the matter immediately. Which electrical appliance would that be?? asked the concierge.

"It?s the microwave. I?ve been trying to warm up some supper for myself but the microwave wouldn?t start,? replied the passenger.

"The microwave, Madam?? repeated the bewildered receptionist. "Yes, the microwave. You know, the heating device that is installed in the wardrobe,? replied the passenger sarcastically. "I?ve been trying for the past hour but my supper is still cold.?

Upon arriving at the suite, the receptionist found the lady passenger standing in front of the wardrobe, pressing vigorously at the control panel of the safe deposit box installed in the wardrobe. "Let me show you how what I have been trying. I key in the number of minutes here, but I don?t really know which one is the start button...?

* original story told by a Captain of a cruise liner.                   

--
Thi Ẩm Lâu 

Faulty Disk Copy


"Hello? Is this the technical support hotline?"

"Yes, this is Carl speaking. How may I help you today?"

"I think my diskettes are faulty. I keep getting the error message bad or invalid disk operation"

"I can help you, but I will need a copy of your defective diskettes to help me diagnose the problem. Could you send a copy to our customer care centre?"

A few days later, a package arrived for Carl from the customer. The package contained several photocopied pages, they were copies of the diskettes.
--
Thi Ẩm Lâu 

Men and Women are different


When our daughter was five years old we were living in an apartment with only one bathroom. One day as I was finishing my bath she had to go potty - now!

As I was toweling off she sat on the potty and I could tellthat she was trying to figure out something.

Finally she asked me that fateful question: "Daddy, mommies and daddies are different, aren't they?"

I decided to handle it in a straightforward manner and answered, "Yes Joy, they are." She got a really proud expression and boasted, "I knew that already cause mommies shave their legs and daddies shave their faces".

We didn't get back to that particular subject for several more years!

Thanks to Lonnie Laughlin                   
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Thi Ẩm Lâu 

Funny True Headlines

- Crack found in Man?s buttocks

- One handed man applauds the kindness of strangers

- Chick accuses some of her male colleagues of sexism

- Poison Control Centre reminds everyone not to take poison

- Great Tits cope well with global warming (Great Tits are a bird variety)

- Keegle fills Seichman?s gap with Seeman

- Tiger Woods plays with own balls, spokeman said

- Margie weds long time girlfriend, slams Bush

- Child wins gun from fundraiser

- Federal Agents raid gun shop and find weapons

- Condom truck tips and spills it?s load

- Army vehicle disappears after being painted with camouflage

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Thi Ẩm Lâu 

Clever business at a young age

A policeman had a perfect hiding place to screen speeding drivers. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer investigated : a 9 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said "SPEED CAMERA AHEAD."

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's partner in crime, another boy about 200 meters beyond the speed camera with a sign reading "TIPS" & a bucket at his feet full of coins.                   

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Thi Ẩm Lâu 

A Courtroom Scene


Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.

Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the claimant in a fight?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of it, you went to hide behind the bushes ?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: You further stated that during this time in hiding, you turned your back to the scene?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the claimant's ear??!!

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: Okay so if your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the claimant and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?

Witness: Yes, correct.

Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the claimant's ear?

Witness: No.

Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE CLAIMANT IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!

Witness: I saw him spit it out.

(Dead Silence)

Attorney: No more questions
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Thi Ẩm Lâu 

FBI Agents and Pizza Man


FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Francisco that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the group of agents got quite hungry. The FBI was taping all conversations at the hospital, this is what was recorded when the agent in charge called a nearby pizza delivery service to order.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 20 large pizzas and 70 cans of coke.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: To the psychiatric hospital please.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and cokes to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so. Click.                   
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Thi Ẩm Lâu 

True 911 Call No 2

CALLER: YEAH THERES AN INJURED DEER IN MY BACKYARD CAN YOU SEND SOMEONE OUT?

911 OPERATOR: WHAT ADDRESS IS IT AT?

CALLER: ----------, MN

911 OPERATOR: WHATS THE NAME?

CALLER: OF ME?

911 OPERATOR: UMMMM YEAH

CALLER: OH OF COURSE, DUH

(Thanks Brittany)

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Thi Ẩm Lâu 

The Smart Blonde

A blonde woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.

He wants to test the whole dub blonde thing and possibly make some money out of it. "Hey, wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then Ill give you five dollars."

"I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."

"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars." The blonde woman became interested and decided to play the game.

"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill. "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?".

The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man hand the blonde five hundred dollars.

After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the answer to the riddle?" the blonde woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.

(Thanks Phoebe)                   

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Thi Ẩm Lâu 

The Strangest Wal Mart Customer

Dear Mrs. Denner,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Denner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away."

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fatal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour in our store.

Regards, Wal-Mart (Thanks Bradley)                   

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Thi Ẩm Lâu 

The College Rules

There is a teacher speaking in front of a group of boy college freshmen about the college rules. The teacher starts talking about the dorm rooms. "If you get caught in a girls dorm room after nine o'clock, you will get a fifty dollar fine. If you get caught twice, you get a hundred dollar fine. If you get caught three times, you get a two hundred-fifty dollar fine and suspension for a week at the least." So a boy raises his hand and asks, "How much for a yearly pass?"
 
A wealthy Chicago businessman goes to Vegas and loses all but three dollars. He comes out of the casino and waves a taxi over. How much is a ride to the airport?" The driver replies that it is $5. "Come on I only have $3, but I'll pay you $10 when I get home by mailing you a check."" said the man. "No way" replies the Driver and throws him out of the car.
 
(Thanks Tae)
 



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Thi Ẩm Lâu 

Revenge on a Taxi Driver

Two years later the man comes back and goes to the same casino. This time he wins money. As he exits the casino, he sees a long line of Taxi drivers.. and at the end is his enemy from two years ago.

Seeing this, the man decides to get his revenge. He goes up to the first Taxi and says: "hey will you give me a blowjob?" the taxi driver says: "no you freak, get out of my car!"

The man then goes on to the next car and says: "hey will you give me a blowjob?" the taxi driver says: "no you maniac, get out of my car!" The man continues to do this all down the line until he reaches the last taxi, and sees his enemy.

The man asks: "how much for a ride to the airport?" Not reconising him the driver replies: "$5" "Okay." says the man and he gets in. Then as he passes the line of other taxis, he sticks his hands out the window and gives them all a big thumbs up.

(Thanks Cameron G)                   

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Thi Ẩm Lâu 

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Babies have big appetites

Mum comes home with the new born baby from hospital. As she breast feeds the little baby, her 5 year old son Roger joins her and looks at the baby and than at her with big wide eyes.

Mum smiles at his curiosity. Hesitantly little Roger asks: "Does the baby always have to eat the whole lump?"

The smart way to catch Burglars

It was late and Charlie was about to climb into bed when his wife informed him that there was a light on in their garden shed. Charlie started to go outside to turn off the light but noticed some people in the shed who were busy stealing his things.

He ran back inside right away and called the cops, who asked him "Are there any intruders in your house?" to which Charlie replied no and explained his circumstances. The cops told Charlie that all patrol cars were otherwise occupied, and that he should just lock his door and a uniformed cop would be at his house when one was free.

Charlie answered, "Alright," hung up, waited 30 seconds, and then called the cops again.

"Hello, I just called a short while ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. I want to let you know that they're not a problem anymore because I've just shot every one of them."

Charlie then hung up the phone. In five short minutes, three patrol cars, a SWAT team, and an ambulance arrived, and Of course, the cops caught the burglars in the act.

One of the cops snapped at Charlie: "I thought you said that you shot every one of them!"

"I thought you said there were no patrol cars free!" Charlie answered.

The Wild Old Man

The Wild Old Man

An old man shopping at a department store for a gift for his wife was intent on watching a teenage girl who was going through the sale racks. The teenage girl had a Mohawk dyed in various colors: pink, purple, green, and yellow. The old man kept staring at her.

Irritated by his staring the teenage girl finally broke down and sneered, "What's the matter, old dude? I bet you haven't tried anything wild in your whole life, have you?"

The old man did not miss a beat when he replied, "I was drunk one time and was with a Macaw. I was just curious if you were related!"

Curiosity gets the Priest

Curiosity gets the Priest

A priest, in urgent need to use the bathroom, walks into a local bar. The bar is jumping with loud music and lively conversation, but every few minutes the lights abruptly go off. Every time the lights go off, the bar crowd bursts into loud whoops and applause, but when they see the priest enter the bar, the place becomes absolutely quiet.

The priest walks over to the bartender and asks, "Can you please tell me where your bathroom is?"

"Sure, but I have to tell you, father, there's a statue of a naked woman in it and she?s wearing only a fig leaf."

"No problem, I'll just avert my eyes, then," Said the priest.

The bartender then shows the priest to the far side of the bar where the bathroom is located. After a short while, the priest comes out of the bathroom and the bar crowd pauses only long enough to give him a rousing cheer. Perplexed he goes over to the bartender and asks, I'm puzzled. Why did they cheer for me as I came out of the bathroom just now?"

"Well, father, it's because your curiosity has made you human and likeable, just like us," said the bartender. "May I pour you a drink?"

"No thanks you, but, I'm still puzzled," said the priest.

"You see, father," chuckles the bartender, "every time somebody moves the fig leaf on the naked woman statue, the bar lights go off. Now, what do you say to that drink?"

The Business Meeting

A business woman named Cindy was in the airport VIP lounge on her way to Los Angeles. While in the VIP lounge, she noticed Donald Trump sitting on the sofa enjoying a brandy. As luck would have it, Cindy was meeting with a very important client who was running somewhat late.

Being a bold business woman, Cindy decided to go ahead and approach Mr. Trump, and introduced herself. Much to her surprise Mr. Trump turned out to be very nice. Encouraged by this she explained to "the Donald" that she was about to close a very important business deal and that she would be very grateful if he could say a quick "hello Cindy" to her when she was with her client. Mr. Trump consented to do just that.

Ten minutes later while Cindy was speaking with her client, she felt a rap on her shoulder. It was Donald Trump. Cindy turned about and looked at him as Trump said.

"Hi Cindy, what's going on?"

To which Cindy glibly replied, "Not now, Donald, can't you see I'm in a meeting!"

Emptying the Doctor's Waiting Room

A patient goes to the doctor's office where, much to his surprise the doctor asks him, "Would you please help me with a problem I'm having?"

Sure, doctor, what can I do for you, says the patient.

"Would you scream in the most earsplitting, piercing screams you can manage? Try to make it sound as if you're in terrible pain." The doctor says.

"But why, doctor, you've always been gentle with me and your treatments have never caused me any pain?" Asks the patient.

"Yes," Says the doctor in a matter-of-fact tone, "but I have a 4 o'clock tee time at the golf course I don't want to miss, and my waiting room is still full of patients."

Run

Run

I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children, however I am a patient person so I enjoy their successes.

However, I must share the following:

After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press return to see the program execute.

A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work." Knowing full-well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return. A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.

So... I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN !

Technical Support

I worked in technical support at Silicon Graphics about a year ago, and I was part of the group that was first in line to handle problem calls. Oh, joy. Being only eighteen at the time, my experience in the field of technical support was somewhat limited, but I could still handle my own.

Now, as you may or may not know, SGI sells top of the line computers used in many different industries. On average, they're about three times as expensive as personal PCs and are meant to be used by professionals in the industries they're used in.

Anyway, the following call came in:

Customer: "I just received an Onyx yesterday, and I tried to set it up today and it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "It just doesn't boot up?"

Customer: "It doesn't even turn on. I see nothing on the screen, and the fan doesn't even turn on in the back of the system."
Tech Support: "Is the monitor functioning? Is there a little green light in the lower right corner of the monitor?"
Customer: "Yes, there is."
Tech Support: "Ok, is the computer plugged in?"
Customer: (irritated) "Look, I think I know how to set up a system. I'm a college graduate, you know."

Tech Support: "Ok, let me finish typing up this report, and I'll send it off. You will get a reply within one business day."
Customer: (exasperated) "Thank you. Geez, I mean I paid a huge amount of money for this computer. The least you people can do it make sure it works before sending it to me!"

Customer: "I mean, to add to the poor quality control, you even sent me one extra power cord."
Tech Support: "One extra cord?"
Customer: "Yes, it looks just the one I used to plug in the monitor and computer, but that's all you sent to me. I have no use for this other one."

At this point, I thought I should inquire a little more...but use a bit of tact to do so.

Tech Support: "Sir, can you double check the serial number on the back of your computer?"
Customer: "On the back of the computer?"
Tech Support: "Yes, sir."
Customer: (sigh) "All right, all right, hold on..."

I heard a few muffled grunts as he crawled over his desk to see the back of the computer. He repeated the serial number from the sticker. I didn't bother to verify it.

Tech Support: "Thank you, sir. Oh, by the way, can you check to see if the computer is plugged in?"

Dead silence. I could just picture the man's face when he realized that the computer was never plugged in in the first place and that the "extra" power cord he was holding in his hand was for the computer. I didn't wait for a response from him. I thanked him for calling, hung up, and closed the case.

Their Sons

These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Frank's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

Rolls Royce Loan

Rolls Royce Loan

A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $7,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.

So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $7,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.67. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What confuses us is why would you bother to borrow $7,000?"

The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $20 bucks?"

Zoo Job

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Radio Conversation

Radio Conversation

This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

- This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Alligators in the Pool

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen.

The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.

The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!"

Smart Student

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

Recovering Thinker

Recovering Thinker

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jacks. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.

Have you joined Thinker's Anonymous yet?

(Thanks Bill)

Medical Problem

Medical Problem

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

(Thanks Mia)

Catch a Rabbit

Catch a Rabbit

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.

They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

The religious Horse

Once a man bought a horse. You had to say ?hallelujah? to make it go and ?amen? to make it stop.

The man was riding his horse one day but then he realized he was riding to an edge of a cliff.

He was so scared he forgot how to make the horse stop. He thought this was the end of his life and he started praying, ending the prayer by saying ?amen?.

The horse suddenly stopped at the edge of the cliff. 'hallelujah' said the man with a sigh of relief and off went the horse?

(Thanks Sara)

My Boyfriend is Stuck

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He sveered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

(Thanks Madison)

The Farmer's Law

The Farmer's Law

One weekend a lawyer from New York decided to go bird hunting in Vermont. The lawyer drove to Vermont and found a good hunting spot near a farm. The lawyer sees a bird, shoots it and watches fall to the ground on the other side of the barns fence.

The lawyer, thinking to himself that's my bird I have to go get it, climbs the fence retrieves the bird and climbs back. Just as he gets back over the farmer comes up to him and says, "give me my bird." The lawyer says to him " your bird no no no I shot this bird it is mine."

"No" says the farmer,"it landed on my property it is mine." "Look" says the lawyer, "I am a lawyer, I will sue you , you will lose and I will get the duck." "No" says the farmer, "that's not how we do it here in Vermont, we use the three kick rule."

"Ok" says the lawyer, how does that work?" "I kick you three times as hard as I can, than you kick me as hard as you an three time and we keep going until one of us gives up." "Fine" says the lawyer, "let's go." "I'll go first" says the famer. So the famer kicks layer as hard as he can in the groin.

And just as lawyer is bent over in pain the famer kicks him right in the face. now just as the lawyer is thinking what did IU get myself into the farmer kicks him in the stomach. after the lawyer gets over the agonizing pain he says ok now it's my turn. No the farmer says, "I quit you can have the duck."

(Thanks Samantha)

Two Blind Pilots

Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into t heir magazines, secure in the knowledge that the pl ane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

The Christian Bear

There was a man who one day didnt feel like going to church so he
decided to go hunting instead.

He was out in the bush when he was aproched from behind by a bear. He
dropped his gun by accident but didnt bother to pick it up.

He ran for his life. Weaving in and out the trees with the bear on his
trail. Curving around a tree he triped over its root.

He looked up and the bear looked down. The bear was about to strike at
him. He put his hands together and prayed:

"Dear lord, Please let this bear be a christian."

the bear sat down on its bum and held the mans hands, closed his eyes
and said: "Dear lord, Thankyou for the food that i am about to
recieve"

The Dog that takes you into the Bar

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they
say to each other "I'm thirsty." They see a nearby bar and walk up to
it.

Unfortunately, there was a sign on the door that said NO DOGS. They
thought for awhile to try to figure out what they should do with no
luck. Suddenly, the man with the doberman said, "I have an idea! Do
what I do."

The man put on his sunglasses, walked up to the door and tried to get
in but a big muscular man stopped him. "Where do you think you're
going?" asked the big man. "This is my seeing-eye dog." said the man
hoping for good feedback. "Alrighty mister, go right in." said the big
man. The doberman man walked in.

The second man slipped his sunglasses on and did the same as the first
man. "Where are you going?" asked the big man. "I'm going into the
bar, this is my seeing-eye dog." he said. "A chihuahua?" asked the big
man with suspicion. The other man, playing his part yelled, "They gave
me a chihuahua!?"

Just follow the Tracks

Just follow the Tracks

3 men are stranded in the middle of the Canadian Forest and they don't
know where they are at. They decide that they have to find some food.
So the first man leaves and tells the other 2 that he is going to get
some food.

Several Hours later, he comes back with a deer over his shoulder. The
other 2 are amazed and ask him how he got a deer with no weopans. He
replies, " I find tracks, i follow tracks, i get deer". They both are
slightly confused but let it go.

1 week later, they have eaten the deer, so they need to get more food.
The second guy leaves and says that he is going to get food. He comes
back a couple hours later with a elk over his shoulder. The other 2
ask how he got the elk. He simply replies, "I find tracks, i follow
tracks, i get Elk".

5 days later, they have eaten the elk, so they need more food. The
third guy, feeling very cocky, thinks to himslef, " This is going to
be a piece of cake. The other guys got the other animals so easy. I'm
going to get an animal better than their's put together!". So he
leaves to get some food. They wait a couple hours... he doesn't come
back. They wait another couple hours, he is still missing.

Finally, after 9 hours of waiting, they see him coming back. His
clothes are torn rags, he is covered in dirt with scrapes and bruises
all over his body. He is bleeding from different gashes in his arms
and legs along with one on the side of head. They ask, " What
happened!". He looks at them, wide-eyed and confused, and replies, " I
find tracks, I follow tracks, i get hit my train".

(Thanks Boyd)

What Happened in Detroit

What Happened in Detroit

A tough looking biker had been in the biker bar for quite some time
when he finally decided it was time, once again to hit the road. He
stepped through the front door of the bar and instantly realized that
his bike had vanished from the spot he had parked it.

"All right" he said loudly, coming back into the busy biker bar "I'm
going to have a shot of whisky and if my hog isn't back up front by
the time I'm done, what happened in Detroit will happen here too!"

With that many of the bikers ran out of the bar and within moments one
came back to tell the tough biker that his hog was now parked in front
of the bar for him. When the tough guy started to leave the bartender
asked him.

"Pardon me, stranger, but what happened in Detroit?"

The tough biker replied casually: "I had to walk back to my hotel!"

Too Many Fires

Too Many Fires

A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.

"How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the
building?" asked the fire chief.

"Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new
firefighter.

"How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the
building?" asked the fire chief.

"Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered
the new firefighter.

"And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you
react?" asked the fire chief.

"Break out another fire hose." answered the new firefighter.

"Now wait a minute, son," said the fire chief. "Where are all these
fire hoses coming from?"

The new firefighter answered, "The same place where all of the fires
are coming from, chief."

Doing Business with the darn Stock Broker

Doing Business with the darn Stock Broker

A man goes up to a stock broker says, "I want to open a so-and-so
trading account!"

Blanching, the lady replies, "Excuse me, sir, what did you just say?"

"Listen you, dag-nab it, I said I want to open a trading account this instant!"

"Pardon me, sir, but we do not stand for that sort of talk in this institution!"

The stock broker leaves her desk and goes to her boss and tells him
about her predicament. They both come back to her desk where the boss
asks the man, "Is there a problem, sir?"

"I don't have a dang problem," the man says, "I just inherited 100
million and I want to open a so-and-so trading account with this
blankety-blank brokerage!"

"I get the picture sir," the boss says, "and this wench of a broker is
causing you a problem?"

Facts About Old Men and Women

Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are
interested in dating them?

A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.

Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?

A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel
the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to
live.

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she's with child.

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take
out the wrinkles.

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads.

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when
they visit antique shops?

A: 'Gee, I have one of these.'

Cup Holder

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I
am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How
did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it.

The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup
holder, and snapped it off the drive.

I Know This Laywer

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs.

You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too,
has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire
state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail
within 3 minutes!"

Best Known Man In the World

Well Sulio's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name.
"Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Sulio says "Tom
Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but
Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!" so
they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Sulio
knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Sulio goes "Tom!!!" and
Tom goes "Sulio!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's
boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen,
it's just one person," so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick
somebody else!"

This time Sulio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill
Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Sulio says "Oh yes I do!
Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Sulio's boss says
"No you weren't!" and Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to
Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference.
They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get's close enough
to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves
"Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30
minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he
thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean
he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and Sulio
says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

And Sulio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do
not know the Pope!" and Sulio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!"
and Sulio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so
they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of
thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without
much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together
through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there
and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!"
and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and waits and just
when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony
and right there beside him is Sulio!

Shortly afterwards, Sulio's boss passes out. Sulio comes back and
finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake
up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Sulio's
boss looks at Sulio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see
Bill Clinton...hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody
standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Sulio?' that's a
little more than I can take!

Duck Hunting

He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes
are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog,
and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and
get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area
for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a
wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little
more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the nw
Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second
fuse.

Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they
want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from
where they are standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they
don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from
the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting
blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far
away as they can.

Remember a couple of sentences back when I mentioned the vehicle, the
guns, and the dog??

Let's talk about the dog: it's a highly trained Labrador used for
RETRIEVING. Especially well trained at retrieving things thrown by the
owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed
on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning
40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell,
scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered
on, keeps coming.

One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is
loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Lab. The dog
stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot
and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of
course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The
dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck..

The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the
truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the
truck, and takes off after his master.

Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of
the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there
with this "I can't believe this happened"look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still had yet to make the first
of those $560.00 a month payments!!!

And you thought your day was not going well.

Nasty Bug

Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack,
bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he
finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and
found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the
collar and threw him across the room, and left.

The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.

He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach
standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang
again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he
was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in
pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The
cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and
left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events
of the preceding four nights. "

" What can I do? " he pleaded.

" Not much " he doctor replied. " There's just a nasty bug going around."

The Bar Story

This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits
down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that
he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there
are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural
human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to
certain death.

However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself,
pulls his feet underneath himself,and lands gracefully. He then turns
and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed.
The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the
process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy
returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before
he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's
simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you
catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with
no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well,
these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped
out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground.

Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits
down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a
real ------- when you're drunk!"

First Job

"A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot."

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..."

Weight Loss Plan

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

The Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at th e plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"