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Thursday, November 8, 2012

You can't bring that dog in this bar

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here! " The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog. " "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me. " The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog. " The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here! "The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog. " The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs. " The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!? "

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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I think Rover is getting a bit old...

"I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf. ""Bullshit, watch this... Rover sit! Oh dear, you're right, I'll get the shovel and clean it up! "

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Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Sick Blonde...

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right? "
"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train. "
"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while? "
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there. "

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A blonde calls the fire department cause her house was on fi

A blonde calls the fire department cause her house was on fire. They ask her how to get there and she says "Duh, big red truck?!. "

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Sunday, September 9, 2012

Drunk walks into elevator...

Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes,and then says, "Dammit, I said UP."

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Drinking problem

Buford: Man, have you got a drinking problem! Mongo: The hell I do! Buford: The hell you don't! Mongo: I don't have a drinking problem. I drink... I get drunk... I fall down. No problem!

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Thursday, September 6, 2012

He is a very fast drinker

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy? "The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles. " The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have. " The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal? " The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar. "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this. " She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment? "
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms! "

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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Food jokes

Did you hear about the teacher who was trying to instill good table manners in her girls? She told them that a well brought girl never crumbles her bread or rolls in her soup.

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Purchasing power of burgers

Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U. S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many "Big Mac " hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany's leading institutes. The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the Mc Donald's restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies' relative purchasing power. The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, "baskets " of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile. A simple alternative, now that Mc Donald's has spread to virtually every country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said. "A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 marks in Germany can just barely obtain four Big Macs," the IW said. Conclusion: based on the Big Mac index, the dollar is undervalued, the institute said. Americans can get their best Big Mac buy these days in Moscow, where one sandwich costs only about 59 cents. But Russians must "work nearly two days in order to afford this meaty capitalist achievement - longer than people in any other country ", the IW said."

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Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies:Ingredients:1. 532.35 cm3 gluten2. 4.9 cm3 Na HCO33. 4.9 cm3 refined halite4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O116. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O117. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein9. 473.2 cm3 the obroma cacao10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

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Food jokes

Camper: There's something wrong with my hot dog.Cook: Don't tell me. I'm not a veterinarian.

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Food jokes

Boy: What's black, slimy, with hairy legs and eyes on stalks? Mom: Eat the cookies and don't worry about what's in the tin.

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Food jokes

At a party, a conjurer was producing egg after egg from a little boy's ear.
"There! " he said proudly. "I bet your Mum can't produce eggs without hens, can she? "
"Oh yes, she can," said the boy. "She keeps ducks. "

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Food jokes

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything.When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this pig?'Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of the fork are you referring to?'

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Food jokes

And what's your name? " the secretary asked the next new boy. "Butter. " "I hope your first name's not Roland," smirked the secretary. "No, ma'am. It's
Brendan. "

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Food jokes

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, "I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest you check your scales. " The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, "Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son. "

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Food jokes

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint
Peter.
"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area. "
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets! "

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Monday, August 20, 2012

Horse pulls the car

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull. " Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull. " Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull. " Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull. " And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try! "

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Celebrating an event

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig. "The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago. "

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Lacking all religion

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man? "Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans. "
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian? "With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here. "The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost? "
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer. "Are you prepared for the resurrection? " the frustrated preacher asked. This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be? "Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day. " Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days. "

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Giving away a horse

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here? " he asked. "I am. " said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like? " The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one. " "No, no, no, get the brown one. " the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken. " said the farmer."

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Mother-in-law killed

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

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Amazing talking cow

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story. "Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye? " asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied. "Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars. "

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Winning Nobel prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? "The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. "
"How? " asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize... to people who are out standing in their field. "

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Dem' smart city folk

A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground. A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says. "Where can I buy one? " he is asked. Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says. "I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money. I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK? "Sure. "The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news. "I went out after breakfast and the mule was dead. The city feller says just give me my money back then. "Can't, spent it already! "
"Well... unload the mule then. "
"What you gonna do with him? "
"Raffle him off! "
"Naw, you can't raffle off a dead mule! "
"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks. "One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop. "What did you do with that dead mule? "
"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit. "
"Didn't anyone complain? " "Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back! "

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How are you doing?

A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help. Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders. Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction. The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes. The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals. The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore! " bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens. Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them! " yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs. The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep! " screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep. Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror. The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there? " asked the farmer. "NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! " the tourist yelled back."

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Ploughing the land

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today. "The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night? "
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole. "

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Bug flew into a barn

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

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Saturday, August 11, 2012

A duck walks into a general store...

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got any fresh fruit? "
"No. "
"Got any fresh vegetables? "
"No. We have only canned and dry goods. "The next day, the duck returns. "Got any fresh fruit? "
"No. "
"Got any fresh vegetables? "
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor. "On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails? "
"No. "
"Got any fresh fruit? "

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Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

A double whammy:Why do elephants paint their testicles red? So they can hide in cherry trees. What's the loudest noise in the jungle? A Monkey eating cherries.

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A dog walks into a butcher shop...

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,and the butcher said, "How many pounds? " The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,"Anything else? " The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many? " The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's are ally smart dog you have there. "
"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied. "This is the second time this week he forgot his key. "

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Difference between a cat and a dog...

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

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Sunday, August 5, 2012

The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez " 95 times during the movie "The Net "4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption " among turn-ons2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President. "1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk. "

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Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your c

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is "Huntin ". 4. The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter "."

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Ten things Bill Gates would like to change about the automot

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U. S. government would get subsidies from an automaker--a first.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault " warning light.
6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or Car NT - but then you would have to buy more seats.
3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years."

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Top ten signs you bought a bad computer

10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch " on it.
9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern! " guy.
8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics ".
6. The "quick reference " manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet? "3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck! "2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection."

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The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon. com backing into our driveway? "9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with Don Corleone@mafia. com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits! "6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 Club Top5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus " e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately. "This document copyright A? 1999 by Chris White."

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Alice is in UNIX land

"Can you help me? asked Alice. "No," said Negative. "I'm looking for a white consultant. " Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way? " she asked. "No," said Negative. She pointed the other way. "Yes," said Positive. Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference. " Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down. Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it wanted to be loved. "Grep," it exclaimed. "Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking for some string. " "Nroff? " asked the Frog. The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and a spoon. "Here," he said, "what do you think of this? " "It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet. " She tried a spoonful. "Yuck! " she cried. "It's awful. What is it? " "Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the Hacker. Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he? " she asked. "That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given up on waking him. "Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an Open Look at... " A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up angrily. The Elephant noticed and changed his speech accordingly. "...what our Next Step will be. "Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half snickered quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one seemed a bit surprised. "What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with his long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh. "Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his face got red. "No, no, no! he screamed. "No one pays one fifty an hour to Macintosh consultants! " "Awk," said the Frog. "Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that they will not have to learn. " "Users? " cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers! " "Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to make them want to switch to UNIX. " "Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name 'UNIX?' I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man. " "Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow, "like Brut, or Rambo. " "Penix," suggested a Penguin. "Mount," said the Frog, "spawn. " Alice slapped him. "Nice? " he asked. "But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the shrinkwrap issue? " Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving their hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat down again. "Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back to tasting flavors. " Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on their right and took the one being offered on their left. Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her. "Rem," is said, "edlin. " Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean. " "Chkdsk," said the Frog. "Alice in UNIX land " was created by Lincoln Spector TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS SEPTEMBER 1989"

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If Fisher Price ran Christmas...

"Baby's First Ornament " would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree."

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Car break trouble

Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way. "
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way. "
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again. "

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Wednesday, August 1, 2012

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot...

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is$10,000. " the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do? " "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote. " "And the other? " said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000. " "Holy moly! What does that one do? " "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'. "

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house? " "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but i'll need to see more. " "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River. " A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "That's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog. " "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune. " "Not really," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist. "

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Persistency Act

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all about? "

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Various animal jokes

A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks,
"What would you like? " the fish says holding his neck,
"Water "."

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Excerpts from the rural life

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire. " The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me! " The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike. " The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon, just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you. " The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over! " So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. " The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start. " They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go! " and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week! "

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A farmer comes home with a lively young bull...

A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bulls have fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for old times' sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture,he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one of the old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks,"Why are you doing that? "The old bull answers, "I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows! "

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Various animal jokes

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when
Father Tortoise said, "I think it's going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella? "
So off went junior for
Father's umbrella, but three days later he still hadn't returned.
"I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts. "
And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go. "

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Solving a problem

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me? " The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents. "

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Doctors meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems. " The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out? "The other three agreed. The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients. "The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want. "The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me. "The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret... "

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Crazy people talk

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half? " The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb. " The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself " Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark? "

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A doctor is complaining to a mechanic

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care. "
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month. "

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Can I play the piano once these are off?

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off? "
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor. "That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before. "

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We need to help these people

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident. Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

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Would you please do me a favor?

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

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Deodorant

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don? t stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use. "

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College Physics

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff? " the frustrated student blurted out. "To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives? "The professor stared at the student without saying a word. "Physics saves lives," he finally continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school. "

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Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease

5. You never have to watch reruns on television.4. You are always meeting new people.3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.1. Mysteries are always interesting.

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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Blonde jokes

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home? "
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem? "
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces. "
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is. "
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box. "

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Blonde and the puzzle

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home? "
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem? "
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces. " "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is. " "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box. "

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A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember...

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

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Blonde jokes

A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
"These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back! "

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A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor...

A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend? " The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay ", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked "Why are you standing here all alone? Why don't you go and join those boys playing football over there? " "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the bloody goalie. "

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Blonde jokes

A blonde and her husband were driving home, when they hit a rabbit.
They both got out of the car and stood over the poor creature.
The blonde and her husband just stood their, when she said "Oh i know. "
So she when in the car and rummaged through her purse and came out with what looked a bottle. She poured it on the rabbit and they both got in the car. Suddenly the rabbit got up hopped a little bit and waved, hopped a little and waved,
hopped to the top of the hill and waved.
Then disappeared over it.
The husband just stared at his wife and said "Honey, what did you pour on that rabbit? "
His wife just said "Hair Restorer with a permanent wave. "

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Blonde and the Western

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead," "You're on," returned his wife. They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food. After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before. " She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice.... "

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Blonde jokes

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend. "
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet. "
Then the redhead said
"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so
I can't take your money. "
The blonde replied
"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again! "

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Blonde & Brunette

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial. Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump. Blonde: OK.(Back to newscast : He jumped!)Blonde: OK. I lost. Here's my $20 to you. Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it. Blonde: I insist. I lost. Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet. Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!.

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Thursday, July 19, 2012

More than a hundred percent

Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here??s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%But,A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%And,B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:A-S-S??K-I-S-S-I-N-G1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will get you there, Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

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God Meets Bureaucracy

God Meets Bureaucracy In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light. " Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day " and the darkness "Night. " Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed. "The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth. " Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before... At this point God created Hell."

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A small analogy

Getting anything done around here is like mating electric pants. It's done on a very high level. There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any results.

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George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard I

George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard I Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me. "
"Excuse me? " the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back. "
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay? "
"I'll start you at eighty thousand. "
"Eighty thousand dollars! " the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that? "
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry. "

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Have incredible dogs

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square ", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule ". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure " was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do? ". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break " and said, "Show the fellows what you can do ". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave."

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Boss wants too much

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A. M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A. M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself. " And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour? "

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Letters to a landlord

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

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A responsible applicant

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible. " Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. "

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Doing the job right

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security

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Does anyone know what would happen if the earth...

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today??We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...

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Did you hear about the welfare doll?

Did you hear about the welfare doll? You wind it up and it doesn't work.

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Saturday, July 14, 2012

Where is my goat?

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie. "

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Some fishing terms

Ten common fishing terms explained Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit. Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook). Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend. Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop. Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard. Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish. School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead. Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard. Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one. Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line " for once again losing the fish."

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Sherlock Holmes and Mat thew Watson were on a camping and ?

Sherlock Holmes and Mat thew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "
"Well, I see thousands of stars. "
"And what does that mean to you? "
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes? "
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent. "

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Go on a hiking trip

Sherlock Holmes and Mat thew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars. " "And what does that mean to you? " "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes? " "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent. "

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Camping with Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see! "
"I see millions of stars," Watson said. "What does that tell you? " Holmes asked. Watson replied. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes? "
"Watson, you idiot," he said. "Someone has stolen our tent! "

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Camping Trip

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out. They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would. About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought. "Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left. "

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Business and fishing

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach! " The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be? " "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish! " was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be? " asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish! " "And then what will my reward be? " asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you! " he said. "And then what will my reward be? " repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you! " Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be? " The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world! " The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now? "

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Fishermen killed

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us. " After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea. " They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys? " she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again. " "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! " "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away.... "

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Catching the fish

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you? " "Why do you want me to throw them at you? " "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them. " "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy. " "But why? " "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

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Write for mail order

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check. "In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine. "

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Pessimist and a dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog? "
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim. "

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Hunting with a wife

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him? " The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife. " "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My wife. "

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I have a question

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float? The father replied, "Don't rightly know son. " A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater? "Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son. " A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue? "Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son. " Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions? "The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothing. "

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Need fishing licenses

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden!!Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden. After about a half mile the fell a stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Lets see your fishing license, Boy!! " the Warden gasped. With that, the fell a pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. i3galr3pr0ducton0fa! h!a! j0k3s "Well, son ", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks!! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license! "
"Yes Sir ", replied the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one "..."

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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I'm trying to prove a point

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this. " She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment? "He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms! "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A man drinking at the bar for three hours, yells at the bartender for another drink.
The bartender walks over and tells the man that he has already had too much to drink.
The man looks up from his glass angrily and shouts. "I have been drinking for 36 years and I have no idea when I have had too much...so how the hell do you know? "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on. "
The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies,
"Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling? "
The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off."

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Walks in a bar

A jew, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this a joke? "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here "."

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A horse wanders into a bar and orders a tall one...

A horse wanders into a bar and orders a tall one. The bartender says, "Hey fella, why the long face? "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about? "
The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish. "
"Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish. "
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.
The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks. " The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a
twelve-inch Pianist? "

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A bar name

A guy walks into a store and says to the manager "why doesn't your store have a name ", the store manager says "I haven't thought of one yet but I think u can help me, what's your girlfriend's name. " The guy says "Jenny " then the store owner says "What's do you like most about Jenny " and the guy says "her legs. " So the store manager says "ok that's what we'll call my store Jenny's Legs. Here's a coupon come back tomorrow morning and you can have a free drink. " And the man says "ok. "The next day the man comes back to the store banging on the window yelling " where's my free drink, where's my free drink! " Then a police officer comes up to him and says "What are you doing? " and the guy says "I'm waiting for Jenny's Legs to open up. "

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Thursday, July 5, 2012

Children jokes

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up? "
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies
To this his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career. "
"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays! "

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Wednesday, July 4, 2012

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal...

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat. "What animal is this? " she asked. "A cat! " said Eddie. "Good job! Now, what is this animal? "
"A dog! " said Eddie. "Good! Now what animal is this? " she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,"It's what your mom calls your dad. "
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie."

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A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked...

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again. "
"Well, uh, yes, it is. " replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane. "
"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in. "
"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see,the plane was hijacked. "

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Children jokes

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up? "
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies
To this his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career. "
"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays! "

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Earn it hiking

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300. " "Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking. " "Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth. " "That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike! "

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Children jokes

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter. " Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,"I'm Jane Sugarbrown. "
The
Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter? "
With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied,
"I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm not. "

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Children jokes

A certain little boy had been spanked by his father one morning. When his dad came in from the office that evening, the boy called out sulkily, ' Mum! your husband's just come home.'

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A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00. The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father! "The priest replied, "What did you say? "The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father! "The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means? "The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass! "

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Anybody Home?

A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello? "Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home? "
"Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him? " the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No. "Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there? "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her? "Again the small voice whispered, "No. "Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you? " the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman. "Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman? "
"No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what? " asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise? "
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there? " asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper. "Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for? "Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "Me. "

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Saturday, June 30, 2012

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day...

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders " and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,"How do you give shoulders? "

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Buying a New Farm

A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00. Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it. Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer. The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00? "The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word. " The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that. "
"Comfortable? " the guy questions. "Yes, you see she reads slow. "

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Blonde Sky Divers

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh? "

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Blonde jokes

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh? "

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Committing suicide

A blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, "You put it around your neck! " The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe! "

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Blonde jokes

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?! "

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Fallen bridge

A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river. The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down. She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back. He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back. "She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me! "

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Fallen bridge

A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river. The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down. She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back. He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back. "She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me! "

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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Are You Really Sure?

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke? "In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. "Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fell a to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? "The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times. "

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The Bartender and the Blonde

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation. The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns. The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the bartender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn. The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser. The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "You don't want the usual? "She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes my pussy sore! "

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The Blonde Driver

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road? "The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me! "Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, -"Ma'am... that's your air freshener! "

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Blonde jokes

A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her. She screams, ''Nein! Nein!'' So two guys walk away.

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Blonde and the Firemen!

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive! "The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away! " says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads! "
"OK " says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump! "
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away! " yelled the Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away! "
"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it... "

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The Blonde at a Bar

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror. If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror. "I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar. " And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car. Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror," I think Im the smartest person in this bar. " And she gets a million dollars. Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror," I think... " POOF! She disappears."

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A Blonde Kidnapper

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you. "She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde ". The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde? "

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Blonde kidnap

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you. " She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde. " The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde? "

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Thursday, June 21, 2012

A suitable transplant

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says,"Can I help? Have you lost something? "
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone. "

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Three envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor. " The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize. " This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes. "

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A customer sent an order to a distributor...

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one. "The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long. "

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Pay for your past bills

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one. " The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long. "

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Tough sell

Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance sales man was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision,"he announced, standing up to leave... "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think. "

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George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard VII

Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.

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Changed HR policies

Casual Fridays:
Week 1 - Memo No. 1 Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo No. 2 Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3 Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p. m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo No. 5As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 - Memo No. 6 The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards. " A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear " and consult the "home casual " versus "business casual " checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a. m. on Friday.
Week 18 - Memo No. 7Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day. Week 20 - Memo No. 8 Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately."

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