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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Food jokes

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.
First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner. "

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Food jokes

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted. "
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here. "

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Placing your order

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted. " The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here. "

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Food jokes

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup! "

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Food jokes

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner. "

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Constantly complaining about the temperature

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner. "

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Food jokes

A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

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Library Fast food

A blonde went in the library and walked up to the librarian behind the desk and said, "I would like a cheeseburger. " The librarian replied,"Shh! This is a library! " The blonde blushed. "oh, sorry.. " then she whispered, "I would like a cheeseburger. "

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Ice cream flavor galore

A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira's ice cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn't smooth enough.

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Top ten ways to annoy your waiter

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor? "8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage! "7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage ".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo! "5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you? "3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder! "1. Three words: eat the check."

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Food jokes

"May I take your order? " the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens? "
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die. "

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Saturday, February 25, 2012

IN THE BAG

A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag."

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Dumb Intercourse II

"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company. "
"Would you spell that, please? "
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you. "The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor... "

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Dumb intercourse

"Information. Can I help you? "
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please. "
"One moment, please. " Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild. "
"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild. "
"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild. "
"Not *Theodore*! *Theater*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R! "
"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore. "

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Very hostile farmer

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once. "A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice. "After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do. "The farmer said, "That's once. "

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Helping your father

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand. "
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it. "
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water. "Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind! "
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay. "

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Settling a cow case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you! " The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning. "

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Texan farmer travels

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large ". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows ". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those "? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas "?"

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Try to grow chickens

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks. "That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied. A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him. "Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems. " "Problems? " asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together. "

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Thursday, February 23, 2012

Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender.
"One ruble! " the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopeks! " "Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopeks for the perestroika. " Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopeks and says, "We are out of beer. "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise. "

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Top ten signs that you are too drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.6. You can focus better with one eye closed.5. You fall off the floor.5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.3. Roseanne looks good.2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a
'Breathalyzer'? " asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years! "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a
'Breathalyzer'? " asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years! "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

"Did ya hear the news? " asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him! "
"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!! "

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Monday, February 20, 2012

Arriving at Heaven

A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, "Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life? "The soprano answers, "Three. "
"Three times, fellows! " says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle. "Ow! What was that for? " asks the soprano. Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth. "
"Oh," says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is that? " asks the soprano, horrified. "Oh," says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine. "

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Bach in a Minuet

A note left for a pianist from his wife Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet

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May I speak to the conductor

A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead. The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist. She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it. "

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Looking to buy

A man walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplification thingies and a Gobson Strato Blaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo? "
"You're a drummer, aren't you? "
"Yeah. How'd you know? "
"This is a travel agency. "

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Harp jokes

A harp is a nude piano. A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

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Here is your punishment

"Haven't I seen your face before? " a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter. "
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years! "

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New Year Nerd Resolutions

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'TBE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD
16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL! "
13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.
7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL? " as a pickup line.
5. No more downloads from alt. binaries.*
4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it."

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A man forgot to buy turkey for Thanksgiving

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door. "Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one. "
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left. " He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man. "That's one is too skinny. What else you got? " says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man. "Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them! "

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The blonde Thanksgiving dinner

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went. "Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey! " said the daughter. "Did it not taste good? " her mother asked. "I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still! "

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Your New Year Resolution

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! :-)10. Read less. 9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. 8. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. 6. Procrastinate more. 5. Drink. Drink some more. 4. Start being superstitious. 3. Spend more time at work. 2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. and last but not least...1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

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I just had a dream about it

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means? "
"You'll know tonight. " he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams "."

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I'm sending out some cards

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love " stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why? " asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies."

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Do you go to church?

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord! " My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor. " Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter? " He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

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Real Church Bloopers...

? Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.? Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.? Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.? For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.? Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.? This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.? Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.? A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.? At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell? " Come early and listen to our choir practice.? The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.? Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.? The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.? Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.? 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.? The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.? Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child. and last but not least...? Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."

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Cookie the Cat's Resolutions

5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in? and visa versa. 4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I?m in a bad mood) 2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.

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Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat...

10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say, "What a scary mask! " but you're not wearing a mask! 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or... " and can't remember the rest. 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. and last but not least...
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live. Happy Halloween!"

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Sunday, February 19, 2012

funny joke!

Funny Situations!!!
Go into a bank wearing a ski mask. Complete a normal transaction. Leave as if nothing is wrong
------
Tell someone they have something on the back of their forehead and see what they do ------ Sit next to the kid in class with a stutter. Yell "remix" when they talk ----- Walk past anyone on the street then place index finger to ear and shout, "Target Located. GO GO GO!!" ------ Get on your friend's phone, change your contact name to "Nature." Call friend ------ Grab a random kid by the shoulders and scream; "I'M YOU- FROM THE FUTURE!!!" ------ Whenever you get mad, just imagine a T-rex trying to pick up a basketball.

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funny joke!

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school?
SON: At school *robot slaps son*
SON: Ok, I went to the movies. DAD: Which one? SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again* SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star. DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad* MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, *Robot slaps mom*

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A Drunk Scotsman

There was a Scotsman and he was too drunk to walk home from the bar. He decides to lay down a park bench and sleep. Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober. In the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school when they see he is wearing his kilt. One of the little girls get curious and decide to lift up his kilt. They see he's not wearing anything under his kilt so one of the little girls takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a nice little bow. They put his kilt back down and go to school. A little while after the man wakes up and natures calling. He finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He says in his Scottish accent, "I don't know where you been but you won first prize. "

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The Pope vs. the Queen

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand. "The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that. "The Queen says, "Watch this. "So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it. "So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,"I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head. "The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done. "So the Pope head butts her."

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I saw a pen in a store the other day...

I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it cause it was prettier than most. The clerk said, "It's made in Germany ". I said, "That's too bad, I can't use it then ". The clerk said, "What's the matter? You don't like German pens? "I said, "No. I just never learned to write German. "

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How do you play Iraqi bingo?

How do you play Iraqi bingo? F18... B52... F18

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Australia...

Australia. Where men are real men And sheep are scared shitless And where the term 'Going Down Under' means something entirely different

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Guns in a garden

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply. "For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!At 4 A. M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug upthe entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. Hisson's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes. "

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An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA...

An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA visited the foreign exchange to exchange some Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000Rps and after a quick calculation on the calculator, was given $50.45 with a typical "service " smile and "Have a nice day! "The Indian promptly spent this and returned the next day with anotherwad of Rupees. He handed the same cashier 100,000Rps and put his handout for his $50.45, instead he received $48.78. He questioned bitterly Ooh! vy less!!?? " Whereupon the cashier replied "Fluctuations! "He screamed back "FLUCK YOU AMERICANS, TOO! " I'm going back to Delhi!!!"

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An American was waiting on a London street corner...

An American was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist. "A bit airy, isn't it? " remarked the American. Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly,"'Ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?! "

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An American tourist is visiting China...

An American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and asks his guide:"How large is the population here? "
"Around 1.5 billion " -- the guide answers American, After a short pause: "So, what else do you do here? "

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in...

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing? "One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We areall berry hungry. "The waitress begs the question, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation? "One of the other Japanese men replies,"The menu say,FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED! "

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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American...

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them. " "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too. "

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A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel...

A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier ". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: "Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg ". The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something. "

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Thursday, February 16, 2012

Ten things Bill Gates would like to change about the automot

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U. S. government would get subsidies from an automaker--a first.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault " warning light.
6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or Car NT - but then you would have to buy more seats.
3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years."

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Top ten signs you bought a bad computer

10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch " on it.
9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern! " guy.
8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics ".
6. The "quick reference " manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet? "3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck! "2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection."

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Why the television is better than the World Wide Web

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place " and got a "Error 404" message? 8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV. 7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening. 6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard. 5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction " sign. 4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in. 3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web. 2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO. 1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other."

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The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon. com backing into our driveway? "9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with Don Corleone@mafia. com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits! "6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 Club Top5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus " e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately. "This document copyright A? 1999 by Chris White."

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Alice is in UNIX land

"Can you help me? asked Alice. "No," said Negative. "I'm looking for a white consultant. " Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way? " she asked. "No," said Negative. She pointed the other way. "Yes," said Positive. Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference. " Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down. Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it wanted to be loved. "Grep," it exclaimed. "Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking for some string. " "Nroff? " asked the Frog. The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and a spoon. "Here," he said, "what do you think of this? " "It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet. " She tried a spoonful. "Yuck! " she cried. "It's awful. What is it? " "Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the Hacker. Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he? " she asked. "That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given up on waking him. "Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an Open Look at... " A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up angrily. The Elephant noticed and changed his speech accordingly. "...what our Next Step will be. "Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half snickered quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one seemed a bit surprised. "What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with his long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh. "Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his face got red. "No, no, no! he screamed. "No one pays one fifty an hour to Macintosh consultants! " "Awk," said the Frog. "Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that they will not have to learn. " "Users? " cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers! " "Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to make them want to switch to UNIX. " "Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name 'UNIX?' I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man. " "Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow, "like Brut, or Rambo. " "Penix," suggested a Penguin. "Mount," said the Frog, "spawn. " Alice slapped him. "Nice? " he asked. "But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the shrinkwrap issue? " Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving their hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat down again. "Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back to tasting flavors. " Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on their right and took the one being offered on their left. Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her. "Rem," is said, "edlin. " Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean. " "Chkdsk," said the Frog. "Alice in UNIX land " was created by Lincoln Spector TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS SEPTEMBER 1989"

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If Fisher Price ran Christmas...

"Baby's First Ornament " would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree."

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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Various animal jokes

How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?He prawned everything!

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Various animal jokes

How can you tell when a skunk is angry?It raises a stink!

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Various animal jokes

How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk?A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant!

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Various animal jokes

How are tigers like sergeants in the army? They both wear stripes!

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Various animal jokes

How are skunks able to avoid danger?By using their instinks and common scents!

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How To Give Your Cat a Pill

How To Give Your Cat a Pill
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty. " Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in
- quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway? " Open cat's mouth, take pill and... Ooooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man
- or woman.
15. Resume position
1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's ). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down."

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Instrument flying guide for animal lovers

Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method " of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively. Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:
1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.
2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground. There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator.
1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.
2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.
3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable.
4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are.
5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane.
6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.
7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you."

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German She pard on Golf Course

German Shepard on Golf Course A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic. They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem. Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German Shepherd ran up and threw a bucket of water on them.

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For all animal lovers out there

For all animal lovers out there:How do you make a cat go 'woof'? Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire. and... How do you make a dog go 'miaow'? Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw...

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Snake joke

First snake:I hope I'm not poisonous. Second snake:Why? First snake:Because I bit my lip!

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Monday, February 13, 2012

Pig misunderstanding

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs? " she asked. "Yeth. " lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs. "

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How are you feeling?

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'? " asked the lawyer. Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the... "
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'! "Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road... "The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. "By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie. "Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. "He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. "Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'? "

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Horse pulls the car

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull. " Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull. " Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull. " Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull. " And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try! "

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Celebrating an event

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig. "The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago. "

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Lacking all religion

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man? "Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans. "
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian? "With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here. "The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost? "
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer. "Are you prepared for the resurrection? " the frustrated preacher asked. This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be? "Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day. " Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days. "

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Giving away a horse

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here? " he asked. "I am. " said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like? " The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one. " "No, no, no, get the brown one. " the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken. " said the farmer."

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Mother-in-law killed

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

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Amazing talking cow

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story. "Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye? " asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied. "Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars. "

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Winning Nobel prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? "The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. "
"How? " asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize... to people who are out standing in their field. "

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Dem' smart city folk

A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground. A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says. "Where can I buy one? " he is asked. Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says. "I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money. I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK? "Sure. "The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news. "I went out after breakfast and the mule was dead. The city feller says just give me my money back then. "Can't, spent it already! "
"Well... unload the mule then. "
"What you gonna do with him? "
"Raffle him off! "
"Naw, you can't raffle off a dead mule! "
"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks. "One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop. "What did you do with that dead mule? "
"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit. "
"Didn't anyone complain? " "Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back! "

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Various animal jokes

First Kangaroo: What do you call it when giraffes moving one way get mixed up with giraffes moving another way?Second Kangaroo: A giraffic jam.

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Various animal jokes

First Kangaroo: If you were surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away from them?Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.

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Various animal jokes

First Kangaroo: How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a rhinoceros?Second Kangaroo: The elephant has a better memory.

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Various animal jokes

First Caribou: What kind of math do owls like?Second Caribou: Owlgebra.

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Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole...

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. "Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days? " If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good. " "Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this.... " "I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work. " "I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again. " "Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall. " Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her? " "Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya....! "

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Various animal jokes

Exasperated dragon on the field of battle:
"Mother said there would be knights like this. "

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At an auction

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does. "
"I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you? "

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Good business

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, here turned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed. "Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered. "Why that's simply outrageous! " she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here? "
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am. "

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Various animal jokes

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise!

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Various animal jokes

Did you hear the joke about the skunk?Never mind, it stinks!

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Friday, February 10, 2012

A little boy did not go to school one day...

A little boy did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull ". "How disgusting " said the teacher "I am sure your father could have done that " "No ma'm, he couldn't have " said the little sod "It has to be the Bull "."

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A little boy and his dad are standing in line...

A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is! "
"Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you. "
"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is! "
"Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice! "
"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is! "
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude! "Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off. "Look out dad, she's backing up! "

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A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could...

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could. 'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.' Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty. 'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.' Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet. 'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want to see your mother again...'

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Children jokes

A little boy came downstairs crying late one night. ' What's wrong?' asked his mother. Do people really come from dust, like they said in church? he sobbed. 'In a way they do,' said his mother. ' And when they die do the turn back to dust ?'. 'Yes, they do.' The little boy began to cry again. ' Well, under my bed there's someone either coming or going!'

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A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letter

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom! " with a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful! " his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight. " The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'? "

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Drawing God

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God. "The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute. "

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How old am I?

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today? "His father says, "No...how old? "He says, "I'm eleven! "He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, knowhow old I am today? "She says, "Come closer... "She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear. She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says,"You're eleven. "He says, "How could you tell? "She says, "I heard you tell your father. "

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A kid at a sleep-away camp wrote home...

A kid at a sleep-away camp wrote home,"Please send me some food. All they serve here are meals. "

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Children jokes

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make? "
"It goes moo. "
"Alice, what noise does a cat make? "
"It goes meow. "
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make? "
"It goes baaa. "
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make? "
"Errr.., it goes.. click! "

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A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as...

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is," then she walked over to the next child. The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David. "

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Thursday, February 9, 2012

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb. " "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses. " The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out."

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DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT

A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT! " Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns."

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Just plain dumb

A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses. The blonde says to the redhead, "isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses? " The redhead says, yes it is. The blonde responds by saying, "Oh you are so lucky ". The redhead says, "No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart. " The blonde says, "Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in "?"

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AHH, THAT'S BETTER!

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far " in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years."

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DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

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GRAVITY KILLS

A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground. " Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma ". An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week."

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IN THE BAG

A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag."

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Dumb Intercourse II

"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company. "
"Would you spell that, please? "
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you. "The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor... "

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Dumb intercourse

"Information. Can I help you? "
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please. "
"One moment, please. " Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild. "
"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild. "
"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild. "
"Not *Theodore*! *Theater*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R! "
"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore. "

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Pondering old age

How do I know that my youth is all spent? Well, my get up and go has got up and went. But in spite of it all I am able to grin when I recall where my get up has been. Old age is golden-so I've heard it said-but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed,with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup,my eyes on the table until I wake up. Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself,"Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf? "And I'm happy to say as I close my door,my friends are the same, perhaps even more. When I was young, my slippers were red,I could pick up my heels right over my head. When I grew older, my slippers were blue,but still I could dance the whole night through. But now I am old, my slippers are black,I walk to the store and puff my way back. The reason I know my youth is all spent,my get up and go has got up and went. But I really don't mind when I think, with a grin,of all the grand places my get up has been. Since I have retired from life's competition,I accommodate myself with complete repetition. I get up each morning, and dust off my wits,pick up my paper and read the "obits ". If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed"

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Movies changed

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents. "
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.. "

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Automotive horror

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful! " "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them! "

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Abe Lincoln

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party? "
"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life. " "But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago. "

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Good & bad news

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first? "Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first. "Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. "Patient: "OH NO! That's awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??? "Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's . In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you. "

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An old man is sitting on the park bench crying...

An old man is sitting on the park bench crying. Another old man sits down next to him and says, "Mister, what's the problem? "The old man wipes the tears from his eyes and explains, "I've got this beautiful, 35 year old wife, and all she wants to do is make love from the moment I walk in the door till the moment we go to sleep and then when we wake up again. "
"So, what the hell is the problem? "
"Mister, you don't understand... I forgot where I live! "Another old man sits down next to him and says, "Mister, what's the problem? "The old man wipes the tears from his eyes and explains, "I've got this beautiful, 35 year old wife, and all she wants to do is make love from the moment I walk in the door till the moment we go to sleep and then when we wake up again. "
"So, what the hell is the problem? "
"Mister, you don't understand... I forgot where I live! "

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An old man goes into the Social Security Office...

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pulldown your pants, and see if you can get disability! "

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An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up...

An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, "So how has life been treating you? " The old man replies,"The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off. " While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again! "

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An old man and an old woman were sitting...

An old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man said,"You know, 50 years ago, we were probably sitting here buck naked. " The woman said, "Why don't we try that again? " So they stripped and sat down at the table again. Soon the old woman said, "Honey, my boobs are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago. "The man replied, "Of course they are dear, one's in your oatmeal and the others in your coffee! "

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An old man and an old lady are getting...

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells:"Super Pussy! "The old man says: "I'll have the soup. "

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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship..

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind? "
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat. "
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! "said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down,then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday! "

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An old lady lived by herself in a small house...

An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermelons in her garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old lady got home and when she saw what had happened to her house she immediately called the police. When the officer on the other end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house, took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my pussy."

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An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by...

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head. "Yech! " says the woman. "Get some toilet paper. " "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now. "

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Guaranteed visits

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales! " the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales? " "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week. "

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Will you marry me?

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes ". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny... " After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh ", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was. "

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A hearing problem

An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about20' behind her and asked "Can you hear me sweetheart "?. No reply. Moved to 10' and inquired again. No reply. 5' and not a word. A few inches behind ear, he asked "Can you hear me now honey "? His wife said "For the fourth time, yes. "

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Take in a boarder

An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30, and would he have any suggestions. "Yes," says the Doctor, "I would advise you to take in a boarder. "A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going. He says fine his wife is pregnant. The Doctor remarks: "so you took my advise and took in a boarder? "
"Yes I did, is the reply, and she's pregnant also. "

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Sweet, Sweet Road Rage

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there! " The man was a real smartaleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright. "Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for? " The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich! "

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Don't Forget!

An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's , they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going? " He replied, "To the kitchen. " She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? " He replied, "Sure. " She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it? " He said, "No, I can remember that. " She then said, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that. " He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. " She replied, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll forget that so you'd better write it down. " With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that. " He then went fuming into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast. "

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An elderly couple walk into a doctor office...

An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells the doctor, "Doctor, we want to have a baby. " The doctor replies,"At your age I don't think it's possible, but I'll give you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample. " So the couple comes back a few days later. They give the doctor an empty jar. The doctor says,"I was afraid of this. " The old man says,"No, it's not what you think. I tried it with my left hand. I tried it with my right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her right hand. She tried it with her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. But we couldn't get the lid off the jar. "

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Aviation jokes

A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you? " asks the agent.
"I want a round trip ticket," says the man.
"Where to? " asks the agent.
"Right back to here. "

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Aviation jokes

A man telephoned an airline office in New
York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston? "
The clerk said, "Just a minute... "
"Thank you," the man said and hung up."

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Aviation jokes

A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San
Francisco to LA.
Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr.
Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing
Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.
Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs? "
Keith replied,
"No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs ".
Now, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!"

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Aviation jokes

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken.
He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?! "
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?! "

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Flying without a parachute

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?! "The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?! "

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Aviation jokes

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now? "

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Aviation jokes

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
"Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you nine thousand times, negative on the affair... "

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Blonde goes flying

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this. "After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan! "

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Aviation jokes

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart,
I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach
Jamaica. "
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde,
I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. "
The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica. "

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