Search funny story

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

What is a breath analyzer?

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'? " asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool. "Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent. "Ah hell, what do you know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now! "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours...

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny? " the bartender asked. "That damned Pete! " the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me! "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

A fellow decides to take off early from work...

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go? "
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers. "
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go? "
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway? "
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and...

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave. Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. "Get me out of here ", said the one in the grave, "I'm cold ". The other one looked over the edge and said, "No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you "."

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut...

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there. A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He,too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out. The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out! ". He did."

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way...

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn't you see the arrow, buddy? " he asked. "An arrow? " the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the Indians"

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

It's a ladybug

A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said, "It's a ladybug. "After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, "Good Lord, what incredible eyesight you have! "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down...

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk. "Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk? "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go. "Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

How can you tell?

"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again. " the wife told her husband. "How can you tell? " he asked. "Did you smell it? "
"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats... "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY

"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY "So what? Who's in a hurry?"

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Christmas jokes

'Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can't tell me why he does that!''Oh, yes I can.' the elf said.'Because tow 'Eds are better than one, of course!'

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Musicians on a sinking ship

A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together. "Help! " cried the cellist, "I can't swim! "
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

What's that sound?

A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper. She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is. The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Arriving at Heaven

A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, "Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life? "The soprano answers, "Three. "
"Three times, fellows! " says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle. "Ow! What was that for? " asks the soprano. Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth. "
"Oh," says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is that? " asks the soprano, horrified. "Oh," says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Bach in a Minuet

A note left for a pianist from his wife Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

May I speak to the conductor

A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead. The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist. She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Looking to buy

A man walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplification thingies and a Gobson Strato Blaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo? "
"You're a drummer, aren't you? "
"Yeah. How'd you know? "
"This is a travel agency. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Harp jokes

A harp is a nude piano. A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Here is your punishment

"Haven't I seen your face before? " a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter. "
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years! "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Redneck Doctor

How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a redneck doctor? He signs "his " name under "cause of death! "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks!

Here's Martha Stewart's Etiquette Guide for Rednecks!
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.***************************DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,and pour slowly so as not to "bruise " the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.**********************ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.***********************PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.****************DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago. "
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday. " If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.**********************THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.***********************WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes " to socks and shoes for this special occasion.*******************DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession."

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks

GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise " the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago. "
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM Others might say "Monday. " If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes " to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession."

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

More Redneck Clues.

Even more clues you could be a Redneck... You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil. You think the Bud Bowl is real. Your dog goes "oink! "You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts. You know how to milk a goat. Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache. Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom. You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside. Turning on your lights involves pulling a string. You have a refrigerator just for beer. You come back from the dump with more than you took. Your wife owns a camouflage nightie. You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts. You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much. You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves. The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle. "You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants."

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Redneck At The Bar

A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there? " The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there? " The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed! " The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed! " The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability! "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

36 things you'll never hear from a Redneck!

36 things you'll never hear from a Redneck...
1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex "
2. "Duct tape won't fix that. "
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. "
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house. "
5. "You can't feed that to the dog. "
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky. "
7. "No kids in the back of the pick-up...it's not safe. "
8. "Professional wresslin's fake. "
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? "
10. "We're vegetarians. "
11. "Do you think my hair is too big? "
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. "
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering. "
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR. "
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds. "
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor. "
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit. "
18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. "
19. "Trim the fat off that steak. "
20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. "
21. "The tires on that truck are too big. "
22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. "
23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk. "
24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better. "
25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled? "
26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's . "
27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. "
28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini. "
29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? "
30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw " that we haven't seen. "
31. "I don't have a favorite college football team. "
32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. "
33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long. "
34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. "
35. "Elvis who? "
36. "Checkmate "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Redneck on a Computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba ".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter "."

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

A Redneck Joke

1) If you go to your family reunion to pick up guys/women... You might be a Redneck. 2) If you have to bring up a can of paint to a water tower to defend your sister's honor... You might be a Redneck. 3) If you walk to school with your dad because you're in the same grade... You might be a Redneck. 4) If you smoke at your wedding... You might be a Redneck. 5) If your dog and wallet are both on a chain... You might be a Redneck. And last but certainly not least, 6) If you see a sign that says "Say No to Crack " and it reminds you to pull your jeans up... You might be a Redneck."

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

You Must Be A Redneck If

* You recycle your own toilet paper * Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad * You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack " and it reminds you to pull up your pants. * You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate. " * Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore. " * The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire. * Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck. * You hunt from your bedroom window. * Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade. * You refrigerate your food stamps. * You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill. * You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag " for Halloween. * Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk. * You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives. * You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles " on your cone. * You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum. * You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton! * The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I. D. "..and you respond "About whut? " * You take a beer to a job interview. * You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater. * When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss. * You go to Goodwill to meet women. * You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!"

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

'Twas The Night Before Xmas- Redneck

'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer Not a creature was stirrin' 'Cept a redneck named Taylor. His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,And a-runnin' down his chin Was a trickle of spittle. His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,And therefore there was a foul stench in the air. That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys. There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;Dud goin' on 10; Otis was 7. John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:The twins were both girls So they let them be. They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk. They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall. There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all. Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll! The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw. "Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,So out they crept out the door without making a peep. They all looked around, and then they all spit. The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it? "Bubba just stared; He could not say a word. This was just like all of the stories he'd heard. It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin'But the boys didn't know; They was about to start shootin'!They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake That would have resulted in venison steak. Bubba hollered out, "Don't shoot, boys! "That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys. The dogs were a-barkin' And a-raisin' cain,And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name. "Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe! Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco! "
"Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall! Quit shakin the trailer, Or you'll make Santy fall! "The dogs kept a-barkin' And wouldn't shut up,And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup. Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys. Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys. Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die. He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry. The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry. Just as the reindeer Got into the air,The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn't care. He was busy lookin' At all his new toys. Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:"Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she's all right. That roof fallin' on her Could-a hurt just a might. "But Maw was OK, And the girls were too. They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new. And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick! Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too. And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!"

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Knock Knock Jokes 11

Knock Knock Who's there? Anna! Anna who? Anna one, anna two...! Knock Knock Who's there? Anna! Anna who? Anna going to tell you! Knock Knock Who's there? Anne Boleyn! Anne Boleyn who? Anne Boleyn alley! Knock Knock Who's there? Amin! Amin who? Amin thing to do! Knock Knock Who's there? Ammonia! Ammonia who? Ammonia little kid!

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Knock Knock Jokes 17

Knock Knock Who's there? Ankara! Ankara who? Ankara went off the cliff! Knock Knock Who's there? Ann! Ann who? Anndromeda Strain! Knock Knock Who's there? Armageddon! Armageddon who? Armageddon getting out of here! Knock Knock Who's there? Armenia! Armenia who? Armenia every word I say! Knock Knock Who's there? Asa! Asa who! Asa-int amongst men!

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Knock Knock Jokes 13

Knock Knock Who's there? Amsterdam! Amsterdam who? Amsterdam tired of all these Knock Knock jokes! Knock Knock Who's there? Amos! Amos who? Amosquito just bit me! Knock Knock Who's there? Amy! Amy who? Amy fraid I've forgotten! Knock Knock Who's there? Annetta! Annetta who? Annetta wisecrack and you're out of here! Knock Knock Who's there? Annie! Annie who? Annie one you like! Knock Knock Who's there? Anthem! Anthem who? You Anthem devil you!

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Knock Knock Jokes 3

Knock Knock Who's there? Alva! Alva who? Alva heart! Knock Knock Who's there? Alvin! Alvin who! Alvin a great time, how about you? Knock Knock Who's there? Allan! Allan who! Allan-d of Manhattan! Knock Knock Who's there? Allegra! Allegra who? Allegra is broken! Knock Knock Who's there? Alma! Alma who? Alma-ny Knock Knock

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Knock Knock Jokes 16

Knock Knock Who's there? Almond! Almond who? Almond the side of the law! Knock Knock Who's there? Andrew! Andrew who? Andrew a picture! Knock Knock Who's there? Andy! Andy who? Andy mosquito bit me again! Knock Knock Who's there? Astor! Astor who? Astor the ball is over!

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Knock Knock Jokes 12

Knock Knock Who's there? Alec! Alec who? Alec-tricity. Isn't that a shock! Knock Knock Who's there? Alec! Alec who? Alec my lolly! Knock Knock Who's there? Alex! Alex who? Alex the questions round here! Knock Knock Who's there? Adair! Adair who? Adair once but I'm bald now! Knock Knock Who's there? Adlai! Adlai who? Adlai a bet on that!

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Knock Knock Jokes 4

Knock Knock Who's there? Alda! Alda who? Alda time you knew who it was! Knock Knock Who's there? Aldo! Aldo who? Aldo anywhere with you! Knock Knock Who's there? Aida! Aida who? Aida lot of sweets and now I've got tummy ache! Knock Knock Who's there? Al! Al who? Al give you a kiss if you open this door! Knock Knock Who's there? Adelia! Adelia who? Adelia the cards and we'll play snap!

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Knock Knock Jokes 8

Knock Knock Who's there? Albee! Albee! Albee a monkey's uncle! Knock Knock Who's there? Albert! Albert who! Albert you don't know who this is! Knock Knock Who's there? Alison! Alison who? Alison it's dark outside! Knock Knock Who's there? Alli! Alli who? Alligator, that's who! Knock Knock Who's there? Allied! Allied who? Allied, so sue me!

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Monday, March 19, 2012

Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto ".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue.
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well ".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue.
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so
I can get my life back in order??? ".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY
A DAMN TICKET "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

A Brit, a
Frenchman and a
Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the
Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit.
"They must be
British. "
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French. "
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are
Russian. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

"I was married 3 times " explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my
3rd wife died of a fractured skull. "
"That's a shame. " said his friend , "How did it happen? "
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms! "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Saturday, March 17, 2012

A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lad

A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No-sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said,handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway. "
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet...

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway. " "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy...

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint ", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish? " Clint says, "I want to see my horse. " The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing. " The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today? " Clint says, "I want to see my horse again. " The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing. " The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want? " Clint says, "I want to see my horse again. " The Indians bring him his horse. Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E! "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down...

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there. " A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes. " Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man. "
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork. " The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief,the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Maryrub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man. " Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you. " The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here? "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Ten pounds of pride

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds. "WOW! " was the response from everyone at the bar. Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now? " The proud father answered, "10 pounds. "The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened? The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised! "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other.

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer,I'll pay you $5. " Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you$50! "This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon? " The Engineerdoesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four? "The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer? "Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer$5, and turns away to get back to sleep."

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Reading time

A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on. The Cowboy asks "what are you doing? " Indian says " Me tellum time. " Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same. Says "You telling time? " yup " "how can you tell time like that? " Indian says "workum like sundial, readum shadow ". Cowboy, incredulous, rides on. Encounters Indian in trail masturbating. Cowboy says "let me guess, you're telling time too. " Indian says " Nope. But me windum clock! "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Ouch

"What happened? " asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view. "
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time? " asked the visitor. "Yes. "
"What did it say? "
"Don't stand up in the car! "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

A wide selection

"Hey, Pal ", the irate druggist shouted, "Put that cigar outwhile you are in my store! "
"I bought this cigar here! " claimed the Customer. "Big Deal! ", said the Druggist. "We sell condoms too. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Buy me bras!

"Dad, can i ask you something? " "Sure! What about? " "You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that i should own one. " "And what is this 'one' you're referring to? " "Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres? " "No. " "My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention. " "Nope. " "It will be just proper at my age... " "I said no way...! " "But all of my friends wears...! " "David! How many times shall i tell you that bras are for girls!? "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Monday, March 12, 2012

You Must Be A Redneck If

* You recycle your own toilet paper * Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad * You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack " and it reminds you to pull up your pants. * You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate. " * Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore. " * The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire. * Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck. * You hunt from your bedroom window. * Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade. * You refrigerate your food stamps. * You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill. * You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag " for Halloween. * Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk. * You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives. * You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles " on your cone. * You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum. * You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton! * The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I. D. "..and you respond "About whut? " * You take a beer to a job interview. * You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater. * When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss. * You go to Goodwill to meet women. * You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!"

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

'Twas The Night Before Xmas- Redneck

'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer Not a creature was stirrin' 'Cept a redneck named Taylor. His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,And a-runnin' down his chin Was a trickle of spittle. His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,And therefore there was a foul stench in the air. That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys. There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;Dud goin' on 10; Otis was 7. John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:The twins were both girls So they let them be. They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk. They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall. There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all. Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll! The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw. "Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,So out they crept out the door without making a peep. They all looked around, and then they all spit. The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it? "Bubba just stared; He could not say a word. This was just like all of the stories he'd heard. It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin'But the boys didn't know; They was about to start shootin'!They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake That would have resulted in venison steak. Bubba hollered out, "Don't shoot, boys! "That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys. The dogs were a-barkin' And a-raisin' cain,And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name. "Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe! Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco! "
"Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall! Quit shakin the trailer, Or you'll make Santy fall! "The dogs kept a-barkin' And wouldn't shut up,And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup. Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys. Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys. Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die. He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry. The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry. Just as the reindeer Got into the air,The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn't care. He was busy lookin' At all his new toys. Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:"Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she's all right. That roof fallin' on her Could-a hurt just a might. "But Maw was OK, And the girls were too. They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new. And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick! Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too. And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!"

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

I'm sending out some cards

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love " stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why? " asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies."

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Do you go to church?

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord! " My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor. " Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter? " He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Real Church Bloopers...

? Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.? Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.? Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.? For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.? Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.? This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.? Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.? A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.? At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell? " Come early and listen to our choir practice.? The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.? Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.? The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.? Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.? 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.? The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.? Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child. and last but not least...? Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Cookie the Cat's Resolutions

5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in? and visa versa. 4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I?m in a bad mood) 2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat...

10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say, "What a scary mask! " but you're not wearing a mask! 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or... " and can't remember the rest. 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. and last but not least...
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live. Happy Halloween!"

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Knock Knock Jokes 6

Knock Knock Who's there? Aladdin! Aladdin who? Aladdin the street wants a word with you! Knock Knock Who's there? Alba! Alba! Alba in the kitchen if you need me! Knock Knock Who's there? Alexia! Alexia who? Alexia again to open this door! Knock Knock Who's there? Alfalfa! Alfalfa who? Alfalfa you, if you give me a kiss! Knock Knock Who's there? Alfie! Alfie who? Alfie terrible if you leave!

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Knock Knock Jokes 9

Knock Knock Who's there? Agatha! Agatha who? Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin? Knock Knock Who's there? Agnes! Agnes who? Agnes, Topeka, and the Santa Fe! Knock Knock Who's there? Alfred! Alfred who! Alfred the needle if you sew! Knock Knock Who's there? Ali! Ali who? Ali, Ali oxen free! Knock Knock Who's there? Alice! Alice who? I'm Alice chasing rainbows....!

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Knock Knock Jokes 7

Knock Knock Who's there? Adolf! Adolf who? Adolf ball hit me in the mouth! Knock Knock Who's there? Aesop! Aesop who? Aesop I saw a puddy cat! Knock Knock Who's there? Abe! Abe who? Abe C D E F G H...! Knock Knock Who's there? Abyssinia! Abyssinia who? Abyssinia behind bars one of these days! Knock Knock Who's there? Alberta! Alberta who! Alberta'll be over in a minute!

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Knock Knock Jokes 15

Knock Knock Who's there? Abbott! Abbott who? Abbott time you answered the door! Knock Knock Who's there? Ahmed! Ahmed who? Ahmedeus Motzart! Knock Knock Who's there? Alaska! Alaska who? Alaska my friend the question then! Knock Knock Who's there? Alfred! Alfred who! Alfred of the dark! Knock Knock Who's there? Alma! Alma who? Alma not going to tell you!

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Knock Knock Jokes 5

Knock Knock Who's there? Aardvark! Aardvark who? Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles! Knock Knock Who's there? Aaron! Aaron who! Aaron on the side of caution! Knock Knock Who's there? Acid! Acid who? Acid down and be quiet! Knock Knock Who's there? Ada! Ada who? Ada burger for lunch! Knock Knock Who's there? Adam! Adam who? Adam if I do and adam if I don't!

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Friday, March 9, 2012

Discussing finances

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here! " The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

The bum on a street

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze? " The bum said, "No. " The man asked, "Will you gamble it away? " The bum said, "No. " Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble? "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

The guide to women

A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING: I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. without you in it. DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?We haven't had a fight in a while. NO, PIZZA'S FINE. you cheap slob! I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. I just don't want you as a boyfriend now. I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?I can't believe you have nothing planned. COME HERE. My puppy does this, too. I LIKE YOU, BUT... I don't like you. YOU NEVER LISTEN. You never listen. I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will. OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch. OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!Well, near there; I just want to get this over with. I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Women seeking men

"WOMEN SEEKING MEN " Classifieds40-ish means: 48Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will Affectionate means: Possessive Artist means: Unreliable Average looking means: You figure this one out Beautiful means: Pathological liar Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now! Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin Educated means: College dropout Emotionally Secure means: Medicated Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home Enjoys art and opera means: Snob Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street Free spirit means: Substance abuser Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun means: Annoying Gentle means: Comatose Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her Humorous means: Caustic Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills Light drinker means: Lush Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light Loves Travel means: If you're paying Loves Animals means: Cat lady Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement Open-minded means: Desperate Outgoing means: Loud Passionate means: Loud Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle Reliable means: Frumpy Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out Romantic means: Looks better by candle light Self-employed means: Jobless Smart means: Insipid Special means: Rode the small school bus w/ tinted windows Spiritual means: Involved with a cult Stable means: Boring Tall, thin means: Anorexic Tan means: Wrinkled Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking Widow Nagged means: first husband to death Writer means: Pompous Young at heart means: How about the rest"

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Thursday, March 8, 2012

A parent's night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse. Instructions were studied and we were inspired,In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required. "The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat.... Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear,But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,With each part numbered and every slot named,So if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,All over the carpet they were scattered about. "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand. "
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand. "And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night With "assembly required " till morning's first light. We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin Before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest,We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out,"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,And not have to run to the store for a thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet! "Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded... I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!"

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

The Christmas diet song

'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there. While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below. When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick. The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox. From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess. My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk. And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by. And I mumbled again as I turned for the night in the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite.

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

'Twas the Night After Christmas

'Twas the Night After Christmas'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried. When out in the yard the dog started barking, I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus. " I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause. " Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night. " I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like. " The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry. " I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri. " "It's no time for jokes Roy " the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen. " Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again. " When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's . But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red. Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shaking as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowing. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air! " But he went about his business like he hadn't a care. So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see you in court. " The above document was written by Jeff Foxworthy."

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Christmas jokes

'Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can't tell me why he does that!''Oh, yes I can.' the elf said.'Because tow 'Eds are better than one, of course!'

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Christmas jokes

"Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie? " "He said it was too tight. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Monday, March 5, 2012

A definition of psychiatrist

A Psychiatrist is just a Jewish doctor who can't stand the sight of blood.

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Give me the bad news first...

"give me the bad news first. "
"You've got AIDS. "
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that? "
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease. "
"Oh. Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Just in case

"Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit. "
"Does that mean I'm cured? " he asked. "For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from. "
"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me. "
"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have. "
"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you? "
"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Perfectly normal

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to. "
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... *physically* attracted to my horse. "
"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female? " "Female, of course! " the man replied. "What do you think I am... GAY??? "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Broken leg

"How did it happen? " the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago... "
"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning. "
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine. "
"Are you sure? " she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you??? " she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!? "
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof! "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Beer and a box

A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar. He placed a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer. When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer. When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, "PLAY ". The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz. The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a little white mouse. He set this mouse on top of the piano and said "SING ". The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some 'oldies but goodies', then all of the current favorites. A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the drunk man and offered to buy this little outfit that he had. After a bit of negotiating, the drunk man agreed to sell it to the man for $500. The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the door before the drunk could change his mind. The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk "You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you could have made millions off of it! " The drunk laughed heartily and replied "I am not the fool, the guy who bought it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really sing? "The bartender responded "What do you mean, I stood right here and listened to that mouse sing! " "The joke is on you and the guy who bought that outfit my friend ", chuckled the drunk. "That mouse can't sing. The frog is a ventriloquist! "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ.'' The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.'' So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.'' The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again?''

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Someone stole things from me

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a
'Breathalyzer'? " asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years! "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

"Did ya hear the news? " asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him! "
"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!! "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Saturday, March 3, 2012

A couple of geezers were sitting...

A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, having a little chat. "How are you, Tom? " asked Marvin. "I'm not feeling well today - utterly exhausted," Tom replied. "I pulled a muscle and it's killing me. "
"That pulled muscle shouldn't make you so tired, though. "
"Well, it does if you pull it a couple of hundred times.... "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Wedding Anniversary

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man! " Source, Miss Joke. com"

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

Can't do

"What's wrong, sonny? " asked the old timer sympathetically, coming over to the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out. "I'm crying 'cause I can't do what the big boys do! " So the old man sat down and wept too."

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android

An elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests...

"Look at me. " an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his birthday bash. "I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine. "
"I certainly have to agree with that. " piped-up his obviously long suffering wife. "Henry's cork's been stationary for years. "

Sent from 20000 Jokes on Android