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Thursday, April 26, 2012

Food jokes

A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.

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Food jokes

A tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in
Ireland. "I'll have fish and chips twice," he orders. "Sure, I heard you the first time," came the reply."

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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Food jokes

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area. "
"Heck,
Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets! "

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We could have been here sooner

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area. "
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets! "

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The results of a study

About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish they didn't have to.

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Food jokes

A tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in
Ireland. "I'll have fish and chips twice," he orders. "Sure, I heard you the first time," came the reply."

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Food jokes

A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.

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Sunday, April 22, 2012

Compare the genders

Differences Between Men & Women NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style. " OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house."

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Dating hints for men

Dating hints for gentlemen There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date... I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you. I used to come here all the time with my ex. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

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Education for women

Continuing Education Courses for Women Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits. Parties: Going Without New Outfits. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You... Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up. Introduction to Parking. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor. Water retention: Fact or Fat. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together. Ballet: For Women Only. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges. "Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat? " - Why Men Lie. TV Remotes: For Men Only."

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What gender is a computer?

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she ". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer "?The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it."

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Men advising women

Advice From Men To Women... Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'... If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.... Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.... Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.... Please don't drive when you're not driving.... Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.... The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!... When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

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A stolen credit card

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

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Computer gender war!

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer? "The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it."

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Saturday, April 21, 2012

I know you were drunk yesterday

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go? " "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers. " "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go? " "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway? " "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror. "

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Me drunk?

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go? " "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers. "
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go? "
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway? "
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror. "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? " he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it. "
"So how does feeling the roof help you? " He asked the drunk.
"Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!! "

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Where is this bus going?

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell! "The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus! "

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Thursday, April 19, 2012

Dirty jokes

A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth... and on the back:...and I will fill your cavity.

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Dirty jokes

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.
He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day! "
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow? "

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Dirty jokes

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says
"Open wide. " "I can't " replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms. "

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Dirty jokes

A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer. "
The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch? "
To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock? "

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Dirty jokes

A blonde and a brunette were talking. The brunette complained, "Every time my boyfriend brings home flowers, I have to to spend the weekend with my legs in the air. " The blonde asks,
"Don't you have a vase? "

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May September Marriage

A 90 year old man shows up for a physical. He tells the doctor he is about to marry a 20 year old girl. "Really? " said the doctor. "You're healthy enough, I suppose, but take my advice. If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a boarder. Do you know what I mean? "The old man says, "OK, doc. I'll think about it. " Six months later, the doctor sees the old man on the street. He asks him how his new marriage is working out. "Great doc! In fact, my wife is pregnant. "The doctor nods knowingly and says, "So you took my advice and took in a boarder? "The old man winked and said, "Yep. And she's pregnant too! "

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Dirty jokes

"Hello? " the blonde responded answering the phone. Hearing no response, she repeated, "Hello? "
"I'll bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you until dawn. " the male voice whispered.
"Scheesch! You're good. " she replied. "You mean you can tell all that from two hello's ? "

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Dirty jokes

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market. "
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me. "

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Aviation jokes

A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San
Francisco to LA.
Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr.
Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing
Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.
Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs? "
Keith replied,
"No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs ".
Now, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!"

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Aviation jokes

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken.
He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?! "
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?! "

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Flying without a parachute

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?! "The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?! "

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Aviation jokes

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now? "

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Aviation jokes

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
"Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you nine thousand times, negative on the affair... "

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Blonde goes flying

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this. "After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan! "

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Aviation jokes

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart,
I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach
Jamaica. "
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde,
I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. "
The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica. "

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Aviation jokes

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a
Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!!
BO. "
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts
"Be silent! "
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,
"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE.... "

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There is a blond on the plane

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO. " She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent! " There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE.... "

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Aviation jokes

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog. "
"But how do you know when you are going to land? " he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground " he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? " he was again asked.
He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack. "

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Aviation jokes

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight
602 from
New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of
35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight! "

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Don't be on this flight

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. "If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. "That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight! "

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Aviation jokes

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children. "

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Aviation jokes

"I've never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. "You will bring me down safely, won't you?
"All I can say ma'am," said the pilot, "is that I've never left anyone up there yet! "

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Aviation jokes

"Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings.. "
"OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!! "

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Aviation jokes

"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.. "
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here? "
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a
727? "

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Aviation jokes

"Flight 1234, are you ready to copy holding instructions? "
"Center, make that request on the next frequency.... "

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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Will you marry me?

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes ". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny... " After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh ", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was. "

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A hearing problem

An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about20' behind her and asked "Can you hear me sweetheart "?. No reply. Moved to 10' and inquired again. No reply. 5' and not a word. A few inches behind ear, he asked "Can you hear me now honey "? His wife said "For the fourth time, yes. "

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Take in a boarder

An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30, and would he have any suggestions. "Yes," says the Doctor, "I would advise you to take in a boarder. "A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going. He says fine his wife is pregnant. The Doctor remarks: "so you took my advise and took in a boarder? "
"Yes I did, is the reply, and she's pregnant also. "

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Sweet, Sweet Road Rage

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there! " The man was a real smartaleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright. "Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for? " The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich! "

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An elderly couple walk into a doctor office...

An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells the doctor, "Doctor, we want to have a baby. " The doctor replies,"At your age I don't think it's possible, but I'll give you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample. " So the couple comes back a few days later. They give the doctor an empty jar. The doctor says,"I was afraid of this. " The old man says,"No, it's not what you think. I tried it with my left hand. I tried it with my right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her right hand. She tried it with her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. But we couldn't get the lid off the jar. "

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Don't Forget!

An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's , they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going? " He replied, "To the kitchen. " She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? " He replied, "Sure. " She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it? " He said, "No, I can remember that. " She then said, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that. " He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. " She replied, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll forget that so you'd better write it down. " With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that. " He then went fuming into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast. "

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You will forget it

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's , they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going? " He replies, "To the kitchen. " She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? " He replies, "Sure. " She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it? " He says, "No, I can remember that. " She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that. " He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. " She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down. " With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that. " He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast. "

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Sharing everything

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Mc Donald's . He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50. " The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth. "

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How you earned it

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. "
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. "
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. "
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars. "

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A young boy was visiting his grandfather's farm...

A young boy was visiting his grandfather's farm when one day he walks out behind the barn and sees his grandfather playing with himself. The boy says, "What are you doing grandpa, jacking off? "Grandpa replies, "No sonny, just jacking! "

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How old are you?

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life? " "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise. " "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said."

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A work of art

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that? "He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child. "
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it? "

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Old maid's burglar

A story I'll tell of a burglar bold Who started to rob a house;He opened the window, and then crept in As quiet as a mouse. He looked around for a place to hide,'Till the folks were all asleep,Then said he, "With their money I'll take a quiet sneak. "So under the bed the burglar crept;He crept up close to the wall;He didn't know it was an old maid's room Or he wouldn't have had the gall. He thought of the money that he would steal,As under the bed he lay;But at nine o'clock he saw a sight That made his hair turn gray. At nine o'clock the old maid came in;"I am so tired," she said;She thought that all was well that night So she didn't look under the bed. She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,And the hair from off her head;The burglar, he had forty fits As he watched from under the bed. From under the bed the burglar crept,He was a total wreck;The old maid wasn't asleep at all And she grabbed him by the neck. She didn't holler, or shout or call,She was as cool as a clam;She only said, "The Saints be praised,At last I've got a man! "From under the pillow a gun she drew,And to the burglar she said,"Young man, if you don't marry me,I'll blow off the top of your head! "She held him firmly by the neck,He hadn't a chance to scoot;He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot! "

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Saturday, April 14, 2012

Do you know me?

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me? " She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. " The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney? " She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him. " At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes! "

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No Peer Pressure

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104? " the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure. "

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A man was walking down the street when he noticed...

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? " he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa,what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist? " he asked again. The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out herewith no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea! "

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A use for Viagra

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa? " he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like? "
"Terrific, wonderful menus. "
"And the nursing? "
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you. "
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay? "
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light. "The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing? " he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true? "
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed. "

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A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus...

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat. " The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan. " The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here. " The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here. " The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have? "The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah. "

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A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse...

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines. "Don't know," the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- turn and drove up to them. "This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either. "

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Blonde on a Cruise!

A Blonde walks into a Restaurant, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. She looks at the bulletin board and sees a piece of paper that says "Ocean Cruise Only 5$". She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconscious. When the blonde wakes up, she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea, when all of a sudden she sees one of her friends, (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her. The blonde she looks at her friend and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip? "And the other blonde replies "They didn't serve any last year? "

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Blonde and her job interview...

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please? "The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22! "The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please? "The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two! "This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please? "The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY! "The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name? "
"Ohhhh, that! " replies the airhead... " I was just running through that song -'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' "

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A Blonde...

A Blonde A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you. " She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde. " The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde? "

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Blonde jokes

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago! " the former blonde asked."

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How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning

? Fertilized.

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Blonde Convention

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention ". The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer? " A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15? " After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen! " Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance! " The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance. " So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5? " After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety? " The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! " The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2? " The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four? ". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! "

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51 DAYS

51 DAYSA bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days! " Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days! " Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days! " Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days! "The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about? The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together...the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days! "

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Blondes and Buildings

2 BLONDES WALK INTO A BUILDING. WOULDN'T YOU THINK AT LEAST ONE OF THEM WOULD HAVE SEEN IT??

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Blonde jokes

... Q.) Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?A.) Because red means Stop.

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Why don't blondes use vibrators?

(Q) Why don't blondes use vibrators? (A) Because they are scared they might chip their teeth!!!

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Blonde jokes

''Have you heard my knock-knock joke?'' asked the blonde. ''No,'' said the brunette. ''Okay,'' said the blonde, ''you start.''

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I cannot find a cause for your illness...

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking. "
"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober. "

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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

A Sunday school teacher asked her first graders...

A Sunday school teacher asked her first graders. "Where is God? "The room was filled with children that raised their hands to respond. "Okay, Mary, Where is God? "
"He is everywhere," "Very good that? s right. "But still there were two children that didn't put their hands down,so the teacher continued. "Okay, Michael, Where is God? "
"God is inside me. "
"Very good that? s right. "Now there was one boy sitting in the back of the class waiving his hand. He was the last child with his hand up, so the teacher called on him. "Okay, Danny, Where is God? "
"He? s in our bathroom. "Well the teacher just had to ask, "How do you know he? s in the bathroom? "The answer came, "Every morning my father knocks on the bathroom door and says,?My God are you still in there?? "

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Who signed the Declaration of Independence?

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence? " He said, "Damn if I know. " She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son,sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence? " "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know. " The father jumped up in the back,pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it! "

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Bear jokes 02

: How do you hire a teddy bear?A: Put him on stilts!Q: What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?A: A polo bear!Q: Why do polo bears like bald men?A: Because they have a great, white, bear place!Q: What do polo bears have for lunch?A: Ice burger!Q: What's a teddy bears favorite pasta?A: Tagliateddy!Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?A: They both have 'the' as their middle names!Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?A: It lives on ice!Q: Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?A: Because they'd rather go to the cinema!Q: What is a bear's favorite drink?A: Koka-Koala!Q: Why was the little bear so spoiled?A: Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!

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Children jokes

'You boy!' called a policeman.' Can you help? We're looking for a man with a huge red nose called Cotters..''Really?' said the boy. 'What're his ears called ?'

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Children jokes

'William, I've been told that you have been fighting with the boys next door,' said mum.'yes, but they're twins, so I wanted some way to tell the apart.'

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Children jokes

'Why are you crying, Ted?' asked his mum.'Because my new sneakers hurt.''That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.''But they are the only feet I have.'

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Children jokes

'Mum,' yelled Johnny from the kitchen, 'you know that dish you were always worried that I would break ?''Yes dear, what about it?''Well your worries are over.'

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Children jokes

'Mum, there's a man at the door collecting for the Old Folk's Home. Shall I give him Grandma?'

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Winnie The????

"Winnie The???? " It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got. "My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said. The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard.... "My dad got me a dog," she said. She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo! " The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said, "I got an electric train!! " That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says, "I got a book " The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks, "What was the title of the book?? " The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said, "Winnie The Shit!! "

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Where is the French border?

"Why do you look so glum today? ", the teacher asked young Johnny. "I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled. "You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border? " "In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast. "

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Children jokes

"What were you before you came to school, boys and girls? " asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say
"babies. " She was disappointed when all the children cried out,
"Happy! "

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Silly superstition

"Say, how old are you anyway? " the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing. "Thirteen. " she replied with a shy smile. "Thirteen??? My God girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here! Are you crazy? " he thundered. Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh? "

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My dog ate my homework

"Johnny, where's your homework? " Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that? " "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it! "

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Missed the word

"Dad," said the boy, "we had a spelling contest in school today, and I missed on the very first word. " "That's too bad Son. " consoled the Father, "What was the word? " "Posse. "

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Sunday, April 8, 2012

Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy. " 8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt. recreational. catnip. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna. 5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about their release of "Cyber Dog. " 4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3. You keep finding new software around your house like Catin Tax and War Cat II. 2. On IRC you're known as the Iron Mouser. and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password... 1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post."

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______________________________________________________________________
This email has been scanned by the Symantec Email Security.cloud service.
For more information please visit http://www.symanteccloud.com

A blind man is standing at the corner...

A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants? " "Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit ", replies the blind man. "Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit! " To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass! "

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Bear and a rabbit

A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says "I will grant each of you three wishes. "The bear says "I wish all the bears in the forest were females. " *poof* It's done. The rabbit says "I wish for a motorcycle. " *poof* It's done. The bear says "I wish all the bears in this country were females. " *poof* It's done. The rabbit says "I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my house. " *poof* It's done. The bear is thinking to himself "why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on stupid small things? oh well. " "And for my third wish, I wish that all the bears in the world were female. " *poof* It's done. The rabbit says "For MY last wish, I want the bear to be gay. " And he rides off on his motorcycle."

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A Second Opinion

A Second Opinion A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body,walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too. "The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body,walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too. "The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. ""$650 to tell me my dog is dead? " exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests. "

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A New York boy was being led through the swamps...

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight? "The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight. "

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A German shepherd went to a Western Union office...

A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof. "The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same price. "The dog replied "What, and ruin the punch line?! "

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A Duck walks into a bar...

A Duck walks into a bar. Duck: You got any bread? Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread[After a few minutes]Duck: You got any bread? Barman: Look, we don't have any bread[In a little while]Duck: You got any bread? Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread![Some time later]Duck: Got any bread? Barman: If you ask me if I've got any F*****g bread once more I'm gonna nail your F*****g bill to this bar...... Duck: You got any nails? Barman: NO! Duck: You got any bread?

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Top 15 Household Pet Dishes

15. Angelfish Cake14. Hamster and Cheese on Rye13. Chow Chow Mein12. Bran Muffy11. Eggs Benji Dict10. Yorkieshire pudding 9. Shih-Tzu Kabobs 8. Potbelly Pig in a Blanket 7. Shrimp Cockatiel 6. Fettucine Al Fido 5. Chicken Poodle Soup 4. Turtlellini 3. Lhasa Thermidor 2. Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas 1. I'll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes

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Almost no difference

"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper. "The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick. "This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer *quill*. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size. "

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I think Rover is getting a bit old...

"I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf. ""Bullshit, watch this... Rover sit! Oh dear, you're right, I'll get the shovel and clean it up! "

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Saturday, April 7, 2012

Food jokes

A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. "Give me a corned beef sandwich," he ordered.
"Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special. "
"What's a Midnight Special? "
"A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread. "
"Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate? "
"Why, sure! " Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: "One
Midnight
Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted! "

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Food jokes

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger? "
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead. "

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Purchasing a turkey

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger? "The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead. "

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Food jokes

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

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Food jokes

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted. "
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here. "

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Placing your order

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted. " The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here. "

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Food jokes

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup! "

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Food jokes

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.
First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner. "

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Food jokes

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner. "

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Constantly complaining about the temperature

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner. "

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Food jokes

A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

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Library Fast food

A blonde went in the library and walked up to the librarian behind the desk and said, "I would like a cheeseburger. " The librarian replied,"Shh! This is a library! " The blonde blushed. "oh, sorry.. " then she whispered, "I would like a cheeseburger. "

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Ice cream flavor galore

A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira's ice cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn't smooth enough.

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Top ten ways to annoy your waiter

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor? "8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage! "7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage ".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo! "5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you? "3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder! "1. Three words: eat the check."

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Food jokes

"May I take your order? " the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens? "
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die. "

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Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Gas Stations

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?-George Carlin

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Pray for a bike

When i was a kid i used to pray for a new bike. But then I realized that the lord doesn't work that way, so i stole one and asked him to forgive me!

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IRS

The IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.-Conan O'Brien

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HMO

My HMO is terrible. They charge me for a self-examination. It's a flat fee.-Wendy Liebman

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Drown my troubles

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my wife to go swimming!

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Protesting

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.-Mitch Hedberg

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Marmite Competition

I was in a good mood last week. I entered a competition and won a years supply of marmite.one jar!

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Inflatable high heels

I once met a dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Trick or Treat

I never actually grasped the whole "Trick or treat " ultimatum. Giving candy to grateful, adorable children or receiving a bag of flaming animal excrement on your doorstep-is this a choice?-Jerry Seinfeld"

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Paddy

I knew this guy. He was a sound guy from Ireland. He spoke to me one day and told me he was going to apply for a job. He told me that he walked out because the guy asked me for my name and i said "Paddy Milligan ". He said "How do you spell "Milligan "? he replied"

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Surgery

I had my appendix removed. There was nothing wrong with it, I just did it as a warning to the other organs in my body to shape up or they're out of there-Charlie Viracola

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My Dog

Having a dog is great, it's just the 'dog people' that freak me out. "Oh, look at her, she's precious,just like Mommy. " Me?!? If I birthed something that had 8 nipples - it ain't leaving the house."

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Gas Station

Have you ever seen Pop Idol? One point it was held at an esso gas station. This irishman came on to do a song. He stood next to the diesel pump, lit the place up and it exploded. He started singing "I'm Still Standing "!"

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Psychic Phenomena

Do you ever get the vuja day feeling? Not deja vu. This is vuja day: the strange feeling that none of this has ever happened before-George Carlin

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Escalators

An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out of order " sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. "-Mitch Hedberg"

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