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Saturday, June 30, 2012

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day...

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders " and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,"How do you give shoulders? "

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Buying a New Farm

A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00. Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it. Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer. The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00? "The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word. " The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that. "
"Comfortable? " the guy questions. "Yes, you see she reads slow. "

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Blonde Sky Divers

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh? "

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Blonde jokes

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh? "

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Committing suicide

A blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, "You put it around your neck! " The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe! "

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Blonde jokes

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?! "

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Fallen bridge

A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river. The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down. She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back. He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back. "She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me! "

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Fallen bridge

A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river. The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down. She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back. He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back. "She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me! "

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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Are You Really Sure?

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke? "In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. "Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fell a to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? "The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times. "

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The Bartender and the Blonde

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation. The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns. The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the bartender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn. The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser. The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "You don't want the usual? "She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes my pussy sore! "

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The Blonde Driver

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road? "The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me! "Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, -"Ma'am... that's your air freshener! "

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Blonde jokes

A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her. She screams, ''Nein! Nein!'' So two guys walk away.

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Blonde and the Firemen!

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive! "The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away! " says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads! "
"OK " says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump! "
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away! " yelled the Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away! "
"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it... "

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The Blonde at a Bar

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror. If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror. "I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar. " And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car. Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror," I think Im the smartest person in this bar. " And she gets a million dollars. Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror," I think... " POOF! She disappears."

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A Blonde Kidnapper

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you. "She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde ". The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde? "

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Blonde kidnap

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you. " She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde. " The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde? "

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Thursday, June 21, 2012

A suitable transplant

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says,"Can I help? Have you lost something? "
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone. "

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Three envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor. " The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize. " This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes. "

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A customer sent an order to a distributor...

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one. "The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long. "

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Pay for your past bills

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one. " The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long. "

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Tough sell

Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance sales man was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision,"he announced, standing up to leave... "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think. "

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George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard VII

Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.

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Changed HR policies

Casual Fridays:
Week 1 - Memo No. 1 Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo No. 2 Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3 Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p. m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo No. 5As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 - Memo No. 6 The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards. " A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear " and consult the "home casual " versus "business casual " checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a. m. on Friday.
Week 18 - Memo No. 7Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day. Week 20 - Memo No. 8 Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately."

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George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard IX

Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

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Downsizing

Boss: (to employee) Experts say that humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing. Knock, knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.

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Application rejections

Baxter Conners Vice President Company 203203 Wall St. New York, NY 10015Dear Mr. Conners,Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Sincerely,XXXXXXXX

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Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Easter jokes

A man wanted an Easter pet for his daughter. He looked at a baby chick and a baby duck. They were both very cute, but he decided to buy the baby chick. Do you know why? The baby chick was a little cheeper!

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Halloween jokes

A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet over his head.
'Are you here as a ghost?' asked his friends
'No, I'm an undercover agent "."

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Halloween jokes

A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet over his head.
"Are you here as a ghost? " asked his friends.
"No," he replied, "I'm an unmade bed. "
Another boy wore a sheet over his head.
"Are you an unmade bed? " asked his friends.
"No,
I'm an undercover agent," he replied."

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Halloween jokes

A Toledo man was admitted to the city hospital last night with severe burns after dunking for French fries at a Halloween party.

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Easter jokes

"Why are you studying your Easter candy? "
"I'm trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg! "

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New Year Resolutions for Pets

15. I will not eat other animals' poop. 14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows. 9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me! 6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post. 3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock. 2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

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Things proven to change the course of Thanksgiving


1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing. "
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught " and refuse to say anything more.
3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake " back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.
5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.
6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos."

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Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Stumpy Legged Pink Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash. The barman says,?Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail. I bet my rottwieler would beat the heck out of it.? 50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottwieler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks. Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says,?Say what breed is that anyway?? The owner says,?Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.?

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside? "
The dog answers
"ROOF. "
The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying. "
The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else. "
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time? "
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH. "
With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says,
"Di Maggio? "

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In And Out Of Puddles

A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom. The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them. He asks the first duck, "What's your name? "
"Huey," replies the duck. "So, how's your day been? "
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day. " The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name? " "Duey," replies the duck. "So, how's your day been? " "Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day. " The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie? " The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles. "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables. He sets 'em down on the bar. And then the bartender said "Now don't you start anything!! "

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High tech

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular. " The bartender says "Prove it. " The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible! " says the bartender. "I would never have believed it! " "Yeah ", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room? " The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god! " said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt? " The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax. "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though.
As he's drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I
SPIT IN
THIS BEER ", and walks to the bathroom.
When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there's another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO "."

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A guy walked into a bar and said
"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender. "
But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up.
The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay.
Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender! "
The bartender said "Why? "
The guy replied "You're violent when you're drunk! "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,"I'm sorry sir, but
I can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink. " The guy swears and walks out of the bar.
Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer.
Again the bartender says,"I'm sorry, sir...but I can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink! "
Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer.
Again, the bartender says to the man... "I'm really sorry, sir, but you've had too much to drink...you're going to have to leave! "
The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, "My God, man... How many bars do you work at?!!! "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance? "
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you. "
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants. "

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12 Shots

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast? " The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had. " The bartender says, "What do you have? " The guy says, "75 cents. "

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