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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Blonde jokes

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home? "
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem? "
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces. "
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is. "
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box. "

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Blonde and the puzzle

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home? "
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem? "
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces. " "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is. " "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box. "

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A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember...

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

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Blonde jokes

A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
"These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back! "

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A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor...

A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend? " The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay ", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked "Why are you standing here all alone? Why don't you go and join those boys playing football over there? " "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the bloody goalie. "

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Blonde jokes

A blonde and her husband were driving home, when they hit a rabbit.
They both got out of the car and stood over the poor creature.
The blonde and her husband just stood their, when she said "Oh i know. "
So she when in the car and rummaged through her purse and came out with what looked a bottle. She poured it on the rabbit and they both got in the car. Suddenly the rabbit got up hopped a little bit and waved, hopped a little and waved,
hopped to the top of the hill and waved.
Then disappeared over it.
The husband just stared at his wife and said "Honey, what did you pour on that rabbit? "
His wife just said "Hair Restorer with a permanent wave. "

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Blonde and the Western

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead," "You're on," returned his wife. They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food. After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before. " She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice.... "

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Blonde jokes

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend. "
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet. "
Then the redhead said
"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so
I can't take your money. "
The blonde replied
"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again! "

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Blonde & Brunette

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial. Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump. Blonde: OK.(Back to newscast : He jumped!)Blonde: OK. I lost. Here's my $20 to you. Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it. Blonde: I insist. I lost. Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet. Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!.

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Thursday, July 19, 2012

More than a hundred percent

Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here??s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%But,A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%And,B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:A-S-S??K-I-S-S-I-N-G1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will get you there, Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

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God Meets Bureaucracy

God Meets Bureaucracy In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light. " Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day " and the darkness "Night. " Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed. "The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth. " Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before... At this point God created Hell."

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A small analogy

Getting anything done around here is like mating electric pants. It's done on a very high level. There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any results.

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George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard I

George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard I Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me. "
"Excuse me? " the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back. "
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay? "
"I'll start you at eighty thousand. "
"Eighty thousand dollars! " the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that? "
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry. "

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Have incredible dogs

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square ", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule ". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure " was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do? ". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break " and said, "Show the fellows what you can do ". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave."

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Boss wants too much

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A. M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A. M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself. " And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour? "

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Letters to a landlord

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

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A responsible applicant

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible. " Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. "

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Doing the job right

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security

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Does anyone know what would happen if the earth...

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today??We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...

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Did you hear about the welfare doll?

Did you hear about the welfare doll? You wind it up and it doesn't work.

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Saturday, July 14, 2012

Where is my goat?

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie. "

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Some fishing terms

Ten common fishing terms explained Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit. Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook). Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend. Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop. Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard. Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish. School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead. Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard. Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one. Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line " for once again losing the fish."

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Sherlock Holmes and Mat thew Watson were on a camping and ?

Sherlock Holmes and Mat thew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "
"Well, I see thousands of stars. "
"And what does that mean to you? "
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes? "
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent. "

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Go on a hiking trip

Sherlock Holmes and Mat thew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars. " "And what does that mean to you? " "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes? " "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent. "

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Camping with Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see! "
"I see millions of stars," Watson said. "What does that tell you? " Holmes asked. Watson replied. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes? "
"Watson, you idiot," he said. "Someone has stolen our tent! "

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Camping Trip

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out. They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would. About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought. "Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left. "

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Business and fishing

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach! " The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be? " "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish! " was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be? " asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish! " "And then what will my reward be? " asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you! " he said. "And then what will my reward be? " repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you! " Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be? " The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world! " The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now? "

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Fishermen killed

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us. " After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea. " They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys? " she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again. " "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! " "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away.... "

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Catching the fish

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you? " "Why do you want me to throw them at you? " "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them. " "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy. " "But why? " "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

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Write for mail order

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check. "In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine. "

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Pessimist and a dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog? "
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim. "

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Hunting with a wife

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him? " The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife. " "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My wife. "

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I have a question

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float? The father replied, "Don't rightly know son. " A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater? "Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son. " A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue? "Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son. " Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions? "The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothing. "

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Need fishing licenses

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden!!Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden. After about a half mile the fell a stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Lets see your fishing license, Boy!! " the Warden gasped. With that, the fell a pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. i3galr3pr0ducton0fa! h!a! j0k3s "Well, son ", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks!! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license! "
"Yes Sir ", replied the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one "..."

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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I'm trying to prove a point

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this. " She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment? "He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms! "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A man drinking at the bar for three hours, yells at the bartender for another drink.
The bartender walks over and tells the man that he has already had too much to drink.
The man looks up from his glass angrily and shouts. "I have been drinking for 36 years and I have no idea when I have had too much...so how the hell do you know? "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on. "
The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies,
"Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling? "
The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off."

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Walks in a bar

A jew, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this a joke? "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here "."

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A horse wanders into a bar and orders a tall one...

A horse wanders into a bar and orders a tall one. The bartender says, "Hey fella, why the long face? "

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!

A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about? "
The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish. "
"Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish. "
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.
The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks. " The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a
twelve-inch Pianist? "

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A bar name

A guy walks into a store and says to the manager "why doesn't your store have a name ", the store manager says "I haven't thought of one yet but I think u can help me, what's your girlfriend's name. " The guy says "Jenny " then the store owner says "What's do you like most about Jenny " and the guy says "her legs. " So the store manager says "ok that's what we'll call my store Jenny's Legs. Here's a coupon come back tomorrow morning and you can have a free drink. " And the man says "ok. "The next day the man comes back to the store banging on the window yelling " where's my free drink, where's my free drink! " Then a police officer comes up to him and says "What are you doing? " and the guy says "I'm waiting for Jenny's Legs to open up. "

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Thursday, July 5, 2012

Children jokes

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up? "
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies
To this his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career. "
"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays! "

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Wednesday, July 4, 2012

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal...

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat. "What animal is this? " she asked. "A cat! " said Eddie. "Good job! Now, what is this animal? "
"A dog! " said Eddie. "Good! Now what animal is this? " she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,"It's what your mom calls your dad. "
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie."

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A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked...

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again. "
"Well, uh, yes, it is. " replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane. "
"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in. "
"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see,the plane was hijacked. "

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Children jokes

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up? "
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies
To this his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career. "
"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays! "

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Earn it hiking

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300. " "Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking. " "Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth. " "That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike! "

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Children jokes

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter. " Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,"I'm Jane Sugarbrown. "
The
Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter? "
With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied,
"I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm not. "

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Children jokes

A certain little boy had been spanked by his father one morning. When his dad came in from the office that evening, the boy called out sulkily, ' Mum! your husband's just come home.'

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A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00. The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father! "The priest replied, "What did you say? "The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father! "The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means? "The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass! "

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Anybody Home?

A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello? "Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home? "
"Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him? " the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No. "Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there? "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her? "Again the small voice whispered, "No. "Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you? " the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman. "Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman? "
"No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what? " asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise? "
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there? " asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper. "Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for? "Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "Me. "

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